The Akatsuki(tties)
by KaiFukugawa
Summary: What happens when the Akatsuki are turned into cats and sent to our world? For Katsumi Harada and her two friends: chaos. Complete and utter chaos. Itachi/OC Deidara/OC Sasori/OC
1. Ten Cats and a Girl

**A/N: Nooooo. I really shouldn't be doing this... No really I shouldn't. But I can't help myself... For anyone who's reading this, I would recommend you run and run FAST. It's a virus I tell you, A VIRUSSSS!**

***sobs in despair* I couldn't stop the plot bunnies from multiplying...**

**Deidara: *pats back reassuringly* There, there. It'll be okay...**

**Me: Nurr *purrs***

**Aaaaanyway, this is my first Naruto fic. I actually haven't watched/read Naruto for a long time, but I just brushed up on it last night...^^;**

**Damn you fandoms and your irresistable fanfiction!**

**Heh, so fun fact, I don't really like any Naruto characters except for Kakashi, Minato and Kushina, and the Akatsuki. Though I have to say, my overall favorite characters are Deidara and Itachi.**

**I loved this idea so much I just HAD to make a fic. So without further ado, here it is:**

**The Akatsuki(tties)**

* * *

It had been a normal day for the Akatsuki.

Pein had been trying (in vain, might I add) to call the gathering to order, Hidan, being the lovable Jashinist he is, was stabbing himself and praying to Jashin, and Itachi...well he was sitting in his own little emo corner, wondering how everyone could be so stupid.

And Deidara...well it wasn't going so well for him either. Actually, it wouldn't be going well for _anyone_ if they had a kid bouncing around them with a lollipop for a face constantly calling them "senpai". Every second of every hour. Of every. Fucking. Day.

"_Senpai, Tobi is a good boy!_"

"_Senpai, Tobi is bored!_"

"_Senpai, Tobi wants dango!_"

It's like he was his fucking mom!

"I'm gonna kill him, un," the bomber managed through gritted teeth.

Sasori petted his head sympathetically. "I'm sorry for ya, brat. I really am. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't glad that he's not attached to me."

"That helped a-fucking-lot, yeah!" the blonde spat.

The puppet merely chuckled.

Yes it was normal indeed.

Until the bomb sailed through the window and hit said blonde bomber square in the face.

"Senpai! Don't say 'katsu'! Don't say 'katsu'!" Tobi cried frantically.

"Baka!" Deidara shouted angrily over the beeping. "It's not mine!"

That stopped the boy in his tracks.

"Eh?" he said, a hint of menace creeping into his voice. "Then whose is it?"

No one noticed Itachi tense a bit at the edge in the boy's voice.

"I don't know!" the blonde shouted over the beeping, which was getting increasingly louder.

_Beep...Beep...Beep..._

And then suddenly, it stopped.

"What the..."

"_Kai!_" **(A/N: No that's not where I get my pename from XD)**

_BEEP,BEEP!_

Deidara and Pein looked at each other.

"Hit the floor!"

The rest of them finally processed what they had said and began to drop down when the gaping, black hole opened.

It only took a second.

One second for them all to get swept away in the current, leaving nothing but a pile of clothes.

* * *

"Hey, Kat..."

"Hn..."

Oh god...I was so fucking tired...

"...Do you want a kitty?"

"HELL YES, I WANT A FUCKING KITTY- Kyahh!"

The car door swung open and I was pitched out the side, saved only by the seatbelt keeping me chained in the small, silver Mitsubishi.

_Can't breathe..._

I yanked myself back inside, swinging the door shut before glaring at it.

My father looked at me like I was mentally retarded.

"So...you want a kitty then?"

"Hell yeah I do!" I shouted, fist pumping the air.

He smiled wearily.

"Just out of curiosity, though... Why were you asking?"

My mom turned around in her seat, curly red hair blowing around wildly.

I vaguely sighed. I wished my hair could have been like hers. She didn't even have to brush it in the morning, it was so curled up. I _did_ inherit her bright green eyes, though. No freckles, thank god. Okay, maybe one or two. Other than that, I had my dad's black hair and slightly slanted eyes. I inherited my mom's shortness too, sadly, and both of their pale skin. The only other mixed trait from them was that my hair was wavy. Or to be more specific, it was the wavy/straight/curly bipolar mess that was my hair. No, seriously, I even named it 'bipolar-cat-bitch-who-insists-upon-torturing-and- ruining-my-Jashin-damn-life. An Irish-Japanese mixed girl. Not something you see every day.

Mother dearest grinned at me.

"Well, since we're abandoning you for a year, we might as well get ya some company. You know, other than the two 'tards you're gonna be with the rest of the time."

Whaaaaaat? Whaaaaaaat? Did you hear that correctly? My mother and father are going to be leaving a fifteen year old girl alone at the house for a whole year? Whaaaaaaat? Whaaaaaaat?

Well yes. And no.

You see my _sixteen_ year old friend, Yomi Trysterl, would be staying over for the entirety of that time. She could even drive me to school. Lucky bitch.

And then my _other _friend, Time Ysabelle (don't ask me why her mom named her that, she was high off her rocker at the time), would be staying over too. And, like me, she couldn't drive yet. Haha, fucker!

Anyway, you see my parents own a photography business. They're very, er, artistic. And by that, I mean completely fucking insane. My mom was the more liberal one. My dad on the other hand...well he was hardcore conservative. My mom would go blow up the Empire State building with me if I asked her too. And she'd laugh her ass off doing it. My dad would, to put it lightly, strap me in the basement and make me watch nice, soothing nature documentaries. So, yeah. They view art in different ways. It's kind of the whole one-second-versus-one-lifetime thing.

So recently, they've been getting lots of popularity for their photos and were invited to go on a year-and-a-half trip around the world to take pictures for this one magazine. And they'd get payed a ton for it! The only problem was me.

They didn't want to leave me alone. I mean sure, I'd been alone before but never for almost _two years!_ But...the thought excited me. Two years on my own with two of my best friends? Hell yes! I knew I'd get bored quickly with only three people around the house all the time, but c'mon! We're responsible!

...

Okay well maybe not Yomi, she might just burn the house down. But other than that, we're totally responsible!

I was in. I was all in.

After all, how much trouble could three people cause?

* * *

The animal shelter was small. But is _was_ cozy, I'll give it that much.

"Hello, there!" a way too happy sounding brunette woman chirped. "Are you here to adopt or...?"

_No, Einstein_, I thought. _We're here to fucking bomb the place. Yes we're here to adopt!_

"Yes," my father replied, before my mom or I could take the lady out. "We're looking for a cat."

"Ahh! Yes, sir, right this way!"

The perky brunette, who I had now nicknamed Sunnytits, lead us down a corridor which smelled distinctly of...well, cat.

And then we were in a room with cage upon cage of cats: big cats, small cats, cats of every shape and size.

But all of them had the same hopeless looks on their face. Like they had long since given up on getting out of this hell hole.

Sunnytits continued on, describing every cat to us with steadily increasing enthusiasm.

I almost groaned. Great we had gotten one of _those_ people. The ones that make everything, even the bad things, about the cat sound good ("Is he house trained?" "Erm, yes but he stills needs an eensy-weensy bit of help! Teehee!").

And that's when I saw them.

In the very back, a huge group of cats.

I noticed Sunnytits's face fall slightly but then light up again with fake happiness, as she lead me over to what they proudly called they're "largest kennel" in the whole place (Bullshit. To me it looked like they had just hacked down the walls of five cages to accommodate the ten of them!)

I hesitantly stepped towards them and smiled. They were talking to each other.

They all stopped what they were doing for a second to look at me.

They had it.

They had that fire in their eyes.

The rest of them went back to chatting, but a few continued to look at me.

One of those was a blonde, almost yellow one, with sky blue eyes. I almost laughed. He had bangs.

Tentatively, I pressed my fingers against the cage. The blonde sniffed my fingers once before gently licking them with his small, rough tongue. I knelt down to his level.

"Hey...it must not be fun in there, ne Kitty-chan?"

He gave me a look like "_You have no fucking idea._"

I laughed a bit.

"Could I see them?"

Sunnytits's smile faded.

"All of them?"

I nodded once, hiding my annoyance.

"Um...sure?"

"So," I asked while she was unlocking the door. "What's up with these guys?"

"Well, we found them all on the street about week ago. They were just _there. _We tried separating them, but they all started yowling up a storm and making it chaos for the others. So we decided to put them all together."

"Trouble, eh?" I said, stroking the blonde kitty through the cage bars. "I can only imagine."

The cat might have smirked. He gave me that look again. The one that said, "_You have no idea._"

Sunnytits laughed nervously as she reached in for the first kitty and handed him to me.

I looked at the orange cat and blinked. His eyes were a murky purplish color and his orange fur was marked with black dots. He stared at me.

_So you're the leader, huh..._

"Uh, we gave them names if you want to hear them.."

At that, a large silver one started screeching and writhing on the cage floor. Orangey hissed. Silver shut up but glared at Sunnytits.

"Sure...?"

She squealed. Oh Jashin...

"Okay, so this one, he's Pumpy-kins!"

I almost puked.

"_What?!_"

She blinked innocently.

And so we went by, cat by cat.

"Princessa Francesca" for the lavender one with the pale red, almost pink, eyes.

"Oreo-smoreo" for the half-black half-white one with the gold eyes.

"Uhhh...isn't that a bit...I dunno, degrading? I mean he's a man!"

She looked at me like I was crazy. I shut up.

"Itchy-stitchy" for the brown one with the black stitch marking and the red and green eyes ("At least that one makes partial sense...")

"Cupid" (with emphasis on the "cuuuuu") for the red cat with brown eyes and a circle over its heart with- wait was that a kanji inside of it? ("Oh god dude, I'm so sorry...")

" " for the humongous sky blue cat with white eyes and the gill markings ("...No...just...no...")

"Jasmine"-_Jasmine!_- for the big silver one with red eyes and the temperament of a javelina's backside ("...I'm not even going to express how stupid you are for this one...")

"Sootsie" for the black one with the red eyes ("...I think it's illegal for a kitty to be that cute...")

"Lolly" for the black one with the orange eye and the orange patches on its face ("What the fuck is wrong with you guys...")

And then for Blondie...

"Ka-blamzzle!"

I stared at her. Did she expect me to be _impressed?!_ Even my dad had a slightly disgusted look on now, like "Oh god, what have I done?"

"Ka-blamzzle," I repeated. She nodded eagerly. "Wait, you're serious?!" She nodded again.

Blondie hung his head in shame.

I sighed. "Can I hold him?"

"What...?"

"Can I hold the Jashin-damn cat!" I snapped.

She 'eeked' in fright. "S-sure!"

I gently took the yellow kitty from her and looked at him.

Was he...blushing?

I grinned. Oh he was staying.

"Hey there, Kitty-chan," I said. "Feels good to be out from behind those bars, yeah?"

Blondie smirked.

I traced over a stitch on his chest and "hned".

I looked at Sunnytits. Then I looked at Blondie.

_"Well?"_ he seemed to say. _"You've made up you're mind; now get us out of here!"_

"I'll take all of them."

* * *

**"Itachi, she used your word!"** Hidan cried.

The Uchiha glared at him, mentally telling him how much of an idiot he was.

**"Leader-sama, she said she'd take us all!" **Tobi cried.

**"Yes, I know Tobi," **Pein replied.

There was a short silence.

They were all still embarrassed from the torture that had just been inflicted upon them.

**"Leader-sama..."**

**"...Yes Hidan...?"**

**"Not even S-class criminals deserve that kind of torture."**

**"...No. No they don't..."**

* * *

One argument ("_Ten_ cats?! Are you sure, honey!?") and five cat carriers later (we put them in two to a carrier), we were home.

Home being our two-story house at the edge of our neighborhood in a small town in Oregon.

You see, one of the perks of being at the _edge_ of an already small neighborhood meant that there was only a person on _one_ side of us (sadly that person was a grumpy old widow who only came out to nag us) and that our yard could have a deck that halved the distance between the house and the woods. Yes, I said woods. Because normal yards are for pussies. Though technically, the woods were off limits...

But, you know, fuck that shit!

I grinned as I picked up two carriers.

"Welcome home, kitties."

* * *

**A/N: Nurrr! So how was it? Loved it, hated it?**

**Deidara: ...I didn't get any lines...**

**Me: ...?**

**Deidara: Maybe I could have some lines next time as a cat, yeah?**

**Me: Say that again and I'll go all Bankai on your ass.**

**Deidara: Ban-what now, un?**


	2. Names and Baths that go Poof

**A/N: Second chaper! Yayy!**

**Deidara: Do I get any lines this time?**

**Me: Ehhhmmmm...**

**Reply time!**

**Suigin: It is stupidly late at night as I am writing this. Like, extremely stupidly late and I have the worst cold ever but I can truthfully say thank you for the first fantasmistical review. Arigatou! May you recieve many Akatsuki kitty hugs!**

**Deidara: *hugs* Meow...un.**

**Aaaaaaaanyway...**

**I do not own Naruto or Zombie by The Cranberries!**

* * *

"Kat!"

"Hn...?"

"Keep the cats inside of your room. They're not house trained yet."

"M'kay!" she called, lugging all the carriers up to her room.

She stopped and glared at her closed door before reached up with her foot to try to open it.

"Nyah...so...close..."

Hidan giggled. **"That's what she said."**

"Yes! Got it!" The door swung open.

And the cats almost died.

**"Leader-sama...I thought..."**

**"Yes... I know..."**

**"...that this was a different world..."**

The girl's walls were covered, not an inch of space left.

Most of it was sketches hung haphazardly with push-pins.

But there were some posters...

That were of them.

One poster with the full Akatsuki on it, another with Diedara that said "Art is a Blast", one with Itachi and Sasuke on it, and a few more scattered around the place.

**"How could she have these pictures of us?" **Konan breathed.

A few of them jumped.

**"What?"**

They jumped again.

**"What?!"**

**"It's just that you don't talk very much...or ever..."** Kisame responded.

**"So? Does that mean I can't talk when I want to?!"**

**"Yes,"** Hidan replied immediately.

**"I swear, I'm going to rip your eyes out when I'm out of this carrier...!"**

Pein hissed. **"Be quiet!"**

Hidan sighed. **"Why don't we just change back and kill the little bitch already?"**

**"Well, first of all, WE CAN'T CHANGE BACK, YEAH!"**

**"Oh...right..."**

**"And second," Pein said. "If we were to kill the girl, who would we have to guide us? No, we must keep her alive. We have to earn her trust. Itachi and I have been talking, and we have agreed that we must gain her trust if we want her to reveal anything to us. If any one of you hurt her, then you'll be dealing with me. Understood?"**

The rest of the Akatsuki gave silent murmurs of agreement.

Another voice, this time Itachi's, spoke up:

**"I think I know how to change back. When I was an ANBU, they kept tossing this idea about. This idea to transport enemies to an alternate dimension in which they could never come back. But something went wrong. The people who were sent as test subjects either died...or turned into cats. They kept on trying and trying, but the more holes they sealed, the more opened. Eventually they just scrapped the whole experiment, but they ****_did_**** find a way to change the test subjects that survived back from cats."**

**"Well, what the fuck was that?"** Hidan growled.

**"Hot water,"** was the reply.

**"Hot water?"** Konan asked. **"What happens with cold water?"**

Itachi sighed. **"If you were a human before, you'd turn back into a cat."**

Slowly, so as not to drop any of them, the girl set them down and opened the cage doors.

Pein stepped out carefully, as if he was expecting an attack. The others followed suit until they were all out in the open.

"Alright!" she announced, clapping her hands. "Time for new names! Not those bullshit cutesy ones! Starting with Miss Purple!"

Konan didn't struggle as she picked her up.

"I hearby dub thee Takahime! Because Princessa Francesca is for pussies! So fuck them! And fuck their grandchildren too!"

Konan smiled a bit at that. Oh, she and that girl were going to get along fine.

"Next..." she picked up Pein. "Well, since you're in charge I guess you'll go first. Heh heh, sorry ladies first. Any who, Pumpkin-whatever-they-called-you-for-I-am-too-lazy -to-remember-those-shitty-names, you shall now be known as Ichiro! If you don't like it, then you and Sootsie can share his emo corner!"

At that, all of them let out _mrows_ of laughter, except for Itachi who was glaring at the floor and Pein who was sweat dropping.

"Now for...ITCHY-STICHY!" she boomed before picking up Kakuzu, who let out a surprised meow. "Now then...well, it is accurate...I'll give 'em that much..Scissors? Scissors? Yeah, I like Scissors... And Edward Scissor-Hands... You are now Scissors, my friend!"

"Scissors" went and sulked with Itachi while the others laughed.

She grabbed Kisame next.

"Oh sweet Jesus, you're heavy! Dear god, are you on steroids or something? Kitty-steroids...? No? Okay! Well, , you are officially Jaws!"

Kisame glared at her.

"Oh come on! Jaws was a man-eating shark that could only quench his thirst for human blood and murder by dying! It's better than Sootsie over there, isn't it?!"

At that, Kisame looked a bit happier. "Sootsie" on the other hand...

"Alrighty then..." She picked up Hidan, who was looking at her very seriously. She burst out laughing. "OH my god... _Jasmine_! Ahaha, classic! I mean, who's running that Jashin-damn place to name a guy cat _Jasmine?!_"

Hidan glowered at her while the others snickered.

"Hey, don't look at me like that or I might just name you Glitterdick."

That had the other cats roaring in laughter; even Sootsie smirked a bit.

**"I hate you all..."** Hidan muttered.

"Soo...what to name you..."

While she was pondering, Hidan decided to poke her chest.

She narrowed her eyes at the perverted expression on his face.

**"Idiot..."** Deidara muttered.

"Well, that settles it. Your new name is now Fucktard. Run along Fucktard. Run along. Shoo."

Hidan just stared at her before stalking off of her lap to go sit on his own, tail swishing angrily.

"Okay, Lolly, you're next! Hm...What about Gasglow? I like Gasglow... It's very Halloween-y..."

With that, Tobi sprung off of her lap and began excitedly babbling, "Gasglow is a good boy!"

She took "Cupid" next. She barely looked at him before announcing, "Soren. Yup you're a Soren."

He looked at her like she was insane before joining the others.

"Oreo," she murmured. "What about Granz? Do you like that? It's very European, I guess..."

Zetsu looked at her and mewed loudly.

"Is that a yes?"

He mewed again.

"Well okay then."

She put him down. And picked up Itachi.

"Sorry for making fun of you Sootsie... Now... I think I might just name you Sasuke."

A chorus of laughter swept across them as Itachi had a seizure.

"...Or not... What about Shiro... Hmm... I like that... Shiro..."

She put him down and he went back to sulking.

She looked at Diedara.

"Now aren't you just our problem child?"

He smirked.

"Don't give me that look. I got you the hell out of that place. You should be grateful! You were on death row too...-" There was crash downstairs.

"Shit!"

She got up and ran out of the room. Curious, the cats followed her.

"Don't come down, Kat. There's glass all over the place."

She ignored his words and continued down the stairs anyway, looking away from the glass guiltily.

Her mother sighed.

"Honey, you need to promise me to be careful okay? This is the second time this month. You really need to tell someone about this. Do you know who it is yet?"

"No... Not yet... Hey, could I have the rock?"

"It's all yours," her mother replied, tossing it to her.

"Thanks," she replied before turning to go upstairs. "And mom..."

She turned around and grinned, before putting her hand on her flexed bicep. "Don't worry. I'm strong."

* * *

The Akatsuki hurried back to her room when she came back up, sitting casually on the floor.

**"The fuck was that about?"**

**"Tobi doesn't know..."**

The girl walked into her room, closing the door gently and going to sit on her bed.

She got a Sharpie out from her drawer and examined the writing on the rock.

Deidara and Hidan jumped up with her and looked at the rock intently.

_Freak._

She slowly drew swirls around the word, pressed down with the marker so it bled onto the stone, making it look like there was black blood dripping down it.

"I'll never understand parents," she murmured softly, laughing. "First they tell you to ignore it, it'll all go away. Then they tell you two worry, to get help. Which one is it? Do you ignore it or do you ask for help?"

She finished the drawings on the rock before tossing it to the other side of the room, where it landed with a _klunk_.

"Aki," she said suddenly. "Your name is Aki."

Deidara cocked his head. Was she talking about him?

She looked at him and grinned.

"Now then... I must do this... Gomen, kitty-chan..."

Before he could could run, she had him on his back and was moving his paws up and down.

"You're so cute!"

Hidan roared with laughter.

"Ahh, don't think I forgot you, Cuddles!" she cried, pouncing on the criminal and hugging him.

**"What the fuck?! Get this crazy bitch offa me!"** he cried.

Konan laughed jumping up on the bed. **"Serves you right, dumbass!"**

She purred when the girl stroked her head.

**"Ass-kisser..."**

She noticed the others staring at the electric guitar hanging on her wall curiously.

She got up and took it down, playing a tune gently before putting it back up.

She shrugged. "I used to play. Isn't enough time though now. You guys hungry yet?"

At that, all of them licked their lips.

"I'll take that as a yes."

* * *

I rummaged through the pantry, looking for food.

I must...CONSUMEEE!

A-ha! There it was! The ramen. I took out five packs and began to boil the water.

What? So I didn't want to feed them cat food! Got a problem with that?

When the water came to a boil, I dumped all the noodles into the pot (the biggest one I could find) and prodded them gently.

"Katsumi," my mother called suspiciously. "You aren't making ramen for the cats are you?"

"No mom!"

"Good! Because if you were, I would've skinned you and eaten you myself."

I shuddered at the thought as I poured the flavoring in and grabbed eleven bowls from the cabinet. What? I needed to eat too!

I hurried upstairs, which was hard to do with a billion things in your hands, but I managed due to the fact that I REALLY didn't want to get caught by my mom.

"Okay, kitties, here's your dinner!"

* * *

**"Tobi is full..."**

There was a groan of agreement.

"Well, I'm gonna get in the shower now. Takahime's in charge. I trust her to keep any of you boys from peeping. Right, Takahime?"

Konan simply smiled and settled down on her bed, watching every male occupant in the room.

"Good girl!"

With that she grabbed some clothes and went into the bathroom, coming out twenty minutes later fully dressed.

She plopped down on the bed and looked at all of them.

"Oh yeah," she murmured. "I know all of you, but I guess you guys don't really know me... Well, here we go: I'm Katsumi Harada and I'm fifteen years old... Hmm... I guess that's it really... I like art..."

Deidara's eyes began to glow when she murmured the word "boom" to herself. She got up suddenly and got what looked like a thin silver square of metal off of her desk, dropping something on the floor while she was at it.

Deidara stared at the tiny object. It was a clay bird.

"Eh? Oh yeah. That's mine. I made it in art last week. But no matter how hard I try, it won't explode."

They all looked at her like she was serious.

"I was kidding..."

She grabbed the square (her laptop) and lie down on the floor with it.

Then she seemed to have an epiphany and grabbed Deidara.

"Hn...I wonder why you're bangs are covering your eye..."

She gently moved the tuft of fur from his face.

He moved it back on.

Off.

On.

Off.

On.

"Aha! Got it!"

He closed his eye.

"Whatever," she huffed as she started typing.

Music started playing.

_Another head hangs lowly_

_Child is slowly taken_

_And the violence caused silence_

_Who are we mistaken?_

_But you see,_

_It's not me,_

_It's not my family_

_In your head, in your head_

_They are fightin'_

_With their tanks and their bombs_

_And their bombs_

_And their guns_

_In your head, in head_

_They are cryin'_

**"So this is the type of music they listen to.."** Sasori mused.

The girl sighed, looking at the screen. The cats squeezed next to her to see what she was looking at.

Deidara had a seizure.

It was him.

Half-naked too.

Hidan cracked up.

**"How does she have our pictures?"** Pein asked no one in particular.

**"I don't know,"** Itachi replied.

**"Maybe she's working for Kunohana. ****_I think she is._**** You're probably right. ****_Let's eat her._**** No. We can't,"** Zetsu offered.

Deidara was still having a seizure.

"Oi! You good there kitty? I mean, I know that it's freakin' epic and all but..."

She laughed at the expression on his face.

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding... But he is very...erm...well-endowed..."

She smiled at the screen. "I love his hair. It looks so soft...and poofy! Nyahh~! I just wanna huggle him and squeeze him...! He's so adorable! It's too bad...even if he was real, he'd never notice a girl like me. The freak. Actually all of the Akatsuki probably wouldn't pay me any heed... Itachi's too cute though... And Sasori... God I'm insane... I'm obsessing over people who aren't even real... And even if they were, one's a puppet, one's a murderer, and the other is a freaking pyro... Hn...well that's a bit of a problem.. Okay, Kat it's time for you to make some more friends!"

She let what she had said sink in for a moment before she sighed.

"Yeah, that's never going to happen. I can barely keep the friends I have... God, every time I look this shit up it makes me depressed. Why Deidara? Dunno...maybe it was just a Deidara type of day... Well, to Deviantart then."

**"What the fuck is up this chick? Is she ADHD or something?"** Hidan exclaimed.

The poor bomber almost had another seizure.

There was a picture of him kissing Sasori. _Sasori._

Yup, he had a seizure.

She chuckled. "Sorry 'bout that, kitty-chan. No DeiSa here... Though I do ship it... Deidara is obviously the seme...just because he has long hair doesn't make him a girl...! It's the same with Itachi...though most of the time he _is_ the seme..."

Now both of them were having seizures.

* * *

That was basically how the rest of the week went. The Akatsuki would begin to plan on how to get back home while the girl was at school and her parents were at work. When the girl, Katsumi, was home, she would proceed to embarrass them all in any way possible.

That was their schedule.

Until the fated day...

* * *

"Okay, you have my phone number in case anything happens. We'll be sending you money monthly- oh, and don't forget to call occasionally- and remember to clean out the litter box, and-"

"Mom," I said. "You're acting like I'm leaving and not you guys. I mean, you'll have fun. Don't worry about me! I'll have two friends and ten cats to keep me company. Now go!"

"Are you sure?" she said doubtfully. "Because we can always cancel..."

I laughed and practically pushed her out the door.

"I'll be fine! Now go enjoy yourself!... See the world!"

She looked at me once and hugged me tightly.

"Oh, my little girl is all grown up! My little bean has sprouted into a beautiful young lady! To think I was only sixteen when I had you! Oh how the time flies!"

Yep, my mom had me when she was sixteen. That explains a lot, huh?

As she finally got in the car, my dad kissed the top of my head.

"I'll miss you, Kat."

"I'll miss you too, Daddy."

"We'll call you when we get there, okay?"

"M'kay."

"Love you."

"Love you."

And then they were gone. I closed the door behind me and grinned.

Finally. Freedom.

I texted Yomi and Time.

_Heading over right now._

_-YT_

_On my way!_

_-T_i_M_E_

I grinned even wider.

"Okay, cats," I yelled. "You're free to come downstairs now!"

It was like someone had just yelled that it was Black Friday in the middle of Time Square. They all came tumbling down the stairs in fluffy little balls of adorable-ness and began the extremely hard task of...

EXPLORING THE HOUSE!

(Long story short, Hidan found the knives and would've performed a kitty sacrifice right then and there if Pein hadn't stopped him (**"I haven't mad a sacrifice in a week... Jashin is definitely pissed."**), Itachi found that underneath the sofa cushions made a good place for an emo corner, Konan discovered magazines, etc. etc.

Everything was going fine.

That is until Sasori insulted Jashin and fell into the sink full of cold, dirty water and dishes when Hidan pummeled into him and every cat there had to go and get dirty to try to pry him off of the poor puppet.)

"Great," I muttered. "Now I have to clean you guys."

Itachi stiffened. **"Leader-sama..."**

**"I know,"** Pein responded. **"But who ever said that the water was going to be hot?"**

Of course in their world, hot water was a rarity...

I ran the water until the tub was a fourth of the way full, keeping the water on hot. No need to have anyone drown.

"Okay kitties, come here!"

With that, I grabbed all of them, having to stack some on my shoulders and head and dumped them unceremoniously into the water.

There was a loud "_poof!_" and cloud of smoke blinded me. When my vision cleared, I saw ten, very familiar, _very_ naked bodies. I suddenly wished I had filled the tub more.

I felt my whole red as I gaped at them.

Deidara was the one who broke the silence.

"Well this is awkward, un."

* * *

**A/N: XD I had to. Deidara, why must you be so cute?**

**Deidara: I finally had some lines, yeah.**

**Loved it? Hated it?**

**Review and you get to pet Dei-kun's chest-mouth!**


	3. Itachi, You Might Want to Run

**A/N: Danke for the follows and/or favorites! Wuv you all!**

**Deidara:...You're creepy, un.**

**Me: *shrugs*I'm not going to deny that.**

**I don't own Naruto!**

* * *

_"Well this is awkward, un."_

At that point, I didn't even _try_ to say anything.

Oh god...all of the Akatsuki were in my house and they were naked...Not to mention three of them were Deidara, Itachi, and Sasori...

I did the only thing a logical person would do: I screamed and ran out of the bathroom.

And then I remembered Konan.

And burst right back in, steeling my courage and trying to be as quick as possible as I practically dragged the older woman out of the tub. But of course doing that meant that I literally came face to face with Deidara.

"Thanks," Konan breathed. I looked at her and blushed even darker.

"No problem...? I mean it's like I helped...they probably saw you anyway..."

She laughed slightly, blushing a bit. "Yeah well it was better than sitting in that tub with all of them.

I chuckled. "Heh heh, right- Oh god."

Konan looked at me strangely.

"Th-they are in there...a bunch of people who should never have existed and they're all..."

I blushed again.

Deidara was in my bathroom.

Deidara was in my fucking bathroom.

"Shiiiiiit!" I groaned, slumping against the wall.

Konan touched my arm. "What's wrong?"

"Just everything...Oh god, this is bad. This is very, very bad... You're the Akatsuki and you're...in my house... Good or bad?...Dammit!"

I looked at Konan. "You need clothes."

She blinked.

"Bedroom. Dresser. Should fit," I mumbled, covering my face with my hands.

There was a loud crash inside the bathroom and a chorus of "Tobi's!"

"They better not be ruining my fucking bathroom," I muttered. There was another crash, this time followed by a startled yelp.

"Oi!" I yelled, pounding on the door. "You bastards better not be ruining anything in my bathroom or I'm gonna fucking ship your asses to the kennel, got me?"

"It's Tobi, un!" came my response. "He's flailing around like a deranged walrus in here- oh shit, no don't touch that!"

There was another crash.

"Shit!"

"That's it..." I muttered, opening the door and covering my eyes.

"Tobi," I barked. "Are you making a mess in here?"

"No," the boy responded. "Tobi's being a good boy! Tobi promises! Tobi was just curious is all!"

"Curious my ass, lollipop!"

I could almost hear his tears. "Tobi is sorry, Kat-chan! Tobi won't do it again! Can Kat-chan forgive Tobi?"

I sighed. "Yeah, sure. What the hell. You guys are real, I've probably been smoking pot... It's all good. Now if you excuse me, I'm gonna go all Scottish on this shit and go on a killing spree and then take a six-hour power nap to hopefully sleep off whatever I snorted. See you, guys."

I was about to turn and leave when something thin and very _Tobi_-like tackled me to the ground and wrapped its arms around my waist, nestling into my chest.

"Yayy! Kat-chan forgives Tobi! Kat-chan is so nice!"

I resisted the urge to strangle him, though I did blush like mad.

"Yeah," I growled menacingly. "And Tobi-chan better get off of Katsumi-chan before Katsumi-chan castrates Tobi-chan!"

When he finally got off of me (thank God), I got up and slammed the door behind me, taking my hands off of my eyes.

"If I hear any more noise in there, I'm just going to assume that you all are having sex and leave you to it. There are a couple used condoms on the floor near the toilet. Have fun."

I smirked when I heard the sound of nine men seizuring.

"Hey," Konan said. "I heard you tell them off. You sure you aren't some long last Akatsuki member?"

I laughed dryly. "If I was then I probably wouldn't be dealing with this."

She laughed again before knocking on the door.

"Boys! Get decent."

"We haven't got anything to wear, you crazy bitch!" came the reply from our favorite Jashinist.

"Then find some towels or something!" the lavender-haired woman replied.

There was a bit of grumbling and, after a few minutes, someone, Sasori I think, called out, "We're decent!"

Konan noticed me hesitate when she opened the door and lent me her hand.

"Trust me," she said. "None of them are going to hurt you."

I laughed. "How can I fucking know that? They're a bunch of S-class criminals! I'm sure they've wanted to kill me plenty this past week!"

She looked at me softly. "Just trust me. And even if they did try to hurt you, you could take them. I know. You wanna know why? It's 'cause you've strength, wits, and wiles of a woman."

I hesistantly took her hand, and she gave me a reassuring smile.

The nine of them were perched in different places around the room: some were standing, others were sitting on the counter, and others on the edge of the bath. I felt my cheeks heat up again.

_Must...not...GLOMP!_

Oh god, I was going to get such a bad nosebleed...

I closed my eyes again, focusing on keeping my breathing steady.

"Jesus Christ..." I muttered.

"Is Kat-chan okay?"

I opened my eyes to find an orange mask right next to my face. My face turned even redder.

"Fuuuuuuuuck," I muttered.

"Kat-chan is scaring Tobi... Why is Kat-chan's face all red, senpai?"

"Maybe it's because you're right in her face, hm!" came Deidara's reply.

"Eh? Oh! Tobi's sorry Kat-chan!"

With that, the boy went and sat back on the edge of the tub.

"Are you guys real?" I asked suddenly, going up to Hidan and poking his face.

"What the fu-"

"Hn... Shit. Okay then. Okay... Fuck."

And then I paused.

"Wait a minute..." I murmured, before glaring at Hidan. "_You bastard! You poked my chest!_"

"Ahh..."

A few of them chuckled. "You've done it now, un!"

"You...BASTARD!"

Before I had even processed what I was doing, I had slapped him. The room went silent. I glared at the Jashinist.

"Owwww...what the fuck, bitch?!"

"That's what you get you perverted bastard! You're lucky I didn't kick you where it matters!"

The silver-haired man grinned. "I don't think I would mind that..."

He reached towards my chest. I kicked him in the crotch.

He cried like a little girl.

"Fuck you..." I muttered, staring at the man until I felt someone tap my shoulder.

"Girl."

I turned around.

It was Pein.

I forced myself to meet his eyes.

"Tell me, girl. How do you know of us?"

I scowled. "Tch. Why should I tell you?"

I felt a hand grasping my shoulder, another grasping my arms.

Shit.

"Because," he said. "If you do, we might spare your life."

I laughed. I knew this was a bad idea, but I had to.

"Do you really think I give a shit? Go ahead, kill me. But good luck trying to get around this world."

His eyes narrowed. "Answer me, girl."

I growled.

"First of all," I spat. "It's not _girl._ It's Harada. Katsumi Harada. Bastard. And I think _I'm_ in the place to be telling _you_ what to right now. After all, you're in my house, you're lost, and you're half-naked. So go ahead and kill me _Leader-sama_. Go on. I _dare_ you."

He glared at me for a moment longer before stepping back.

"We were sent here by some sort of portal. We think Kunohana did this to us. When we got here, we were cats. We managed to figure out that hot water will make us turn into humans. Cold will turn us back into cats."

I sighed. "Sounds like you guys a fucked. Royally."

At that, Pein's lips twitched a bit. "Quite."

"Okay. My turn then. Well first of all-"

I went stiff.

"Hidan."

"Mm?"

"Get your hand off of my ass."

...

"Thank you. Well, first of all, you aren't supposed to fucking exist. In this world, you guys are a manga, an anime. You guys are fictional characters."

"Wait, so we're supposed to be fake, yeah?"

I looked at Deidara.

And got a massive nosebleed.

"Shit!" I cursed, putting my hand on my face.

They all looked at me like I was insane.

"Does this happen often, hm?" the bomber asked.

"Yeah, pretty much," I replied, running my face under the sink.

"You know our future."

This coming from Itachi.

I felt my face heat up. "Y-yeah..."

"Tell us what you know."

I shook my head. "No can do, Uchiha."

"Why not?"

"If I did that, then you'd mess with the plot. And...there's some stuff you don't want to know about."

"Tell us," Pein demanded.

I sighed. "Look, the only thing I'm gonna give you is that Blondie over there," I pointed to Deidara. "Loses his arms."

"What?!" he exclaimed. "How does that happen, un?!"

"Don't worry," I reassured. "They put them back on. And Gaara crushes one with his sand. Then Kakashi sucks on of them into a wierd portal-dimension thingy."

He stared at me and then looked at his hands. "My arms... My beautiful arms..."

I snorted. "Yeah, well now you have a chance to change that, Blondie. You're welcome."

"Is there anything else you know?" Pein demanded. "Does our plan work?"

"No," I lied. "I don't know anything else. Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you."

I knew that he knew I had more answers, but he let it go, God bless him.

And then the door rang.

"Shit," I muttered. "Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!"

"What's wrong?" Kisame asked.

"Fuuuuuuck," I groaned. "My friends are here. And they're probably going to try to molest you. That is if they even believe me...Okay, all of you downstairs now."

They obediently followed me to the living room where I told them all to stay put and not get any blood on the carpet (*cough, cough*Hidan*cough, cough*).

"Oh...and Itachi?"

"Hn?"

"You might want to run."

"...Why?"

"Let's just say that in a few seconds, there's going to be a rabid fangirl crushing you with her arms of steel."

And then I was opening the door.

"Kat... Why are there a bunch of half-naked cosplayers in your living room?" Yomi asked.

Time just blushed scarlet.

"Hi guys!" I said with a grin. "Meet the Akatsuki!"

* * *

**A/N: Ahaha cliffhanger. I'm such a bitch.**

**Deidara:...My arms get cut off and you never told me, un?!**

**Me: Heh heh...**

**Review and you get Itachi!**

**Itachi: What?! Why me?!**


	4. Hand-Mouths and Fangirls (and Boys)

**A/N: Nyahh! Hello! AHAHAAAAAA! LONGEST CHAPTER YET BITCHES!**

**Suigin: I might have already replied in the chapter before but oh fucking well! Have I ever told you that I just wanna huggle the shit out of you because of that review? Well I do. That was an extremely epic review, like epic-shit sauce. It was so awesome that you get Deidara, Itachi, AND Danna (Sasori) for being so awesome. (Sasori:...why me?...).**

**4fireking: Eheh, a bit confusing I know, but I fixed it up a bit so it should be better now X3**

**jasper is hot1: And I love you! And as for wanting Itachi...don't we all...? Just for that...*makes Itachi kiss you* You are one extremely awesome person, my friend. :)**

**Nothing else really to say here...Deidara, would you like to take the honors?**

**Deidara: Kai doesn't own Naruto. Just her fucked up imagination.**

* * *

_"Hi guys!" I said with a grin. "Meet the Akatsuki."_

They both looked at me like I'd finally lost it.

"Kat, you know that the Akatsuki doesn't exist, right?" Yomi said. "I mean, I want them to be real as much as the next girl but..."

I sighed. "Deidara, give me your hand."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

The blonde did as I said, and I held his palm to their faces.

"It's just his ha-"

He waved his tongue at them.

"OH MY GOD IT'S THE MOUTH! IT'S THE MOUTH! KAT, HAVE YOU FUCKING SEEN THIS?! IT'S THE MOUTH!"

I covered my ears. "Yeah, I think I got that."

"B-but how..."

I sighed. "They were my cats."

"But how..."

"Later."

Yomi got a devilish gleam in her eyes. "So if that really is Deidara, then that means..."

I followed her gaze. Oh shit.

"Yomi no!" I cried, trying to catch her, but it was too late.

She glomped Itachi.

"OHMYGODYOU'REITACHIUCHIHADEARLORDOHMYGODYOU'RESOF UCKINGSEXYOHMYGAWWWWWD!"

I groaned.

Time just stared.

"Wow, she really likes Itachi, doesn't she?" my orange-haired friend commented.

I groaned. "You have no fucking idea."

Her grey eyes sparkled. "I think I do."

Itachi looked at us for help.

Needless to say, it took me, Deidara, and Kisame to pry her off.

"Jesus Christ," I gasped. "Have you been wrestling alligators or some shit?!"

She pouted at me, golden eyes glaring.

I sighed. "Don't give me that look. It's not proper to glomp people you don't even know."

She huffed angrily. "Don't act like you didn't do that too when you first saw them!"

I groaned and sank against the wall, remembering the terrifying process in all-too-vivid detail.

"Oh god," I muttered. "I've got to get some brain bleach for that shit..."

Time cocked her head. "What shit?"

I blushed. "Eh, um..."

"When we turned into humans we were all kind of naked, un."

Both of them turned towards me, an evil aura radiating off of them.

"Shit!" I cried, getting to my feet and sprinting up the stairs at record speed.

"Open up!" Yomi shouted, pounding on my bedroom door. "You bitch! You saw them naked?!"

"It was an accident, I swear!"

"Accident my ass, mother fucker!"

"Kat, you perv!"

"I didn't do it on purpose!"

"I can't believe you saw them naked and you didn't send us pictures!"

There was a crack. My eyes widened. Oh no.

I made a mad dash for my window, my fingers fumbling as I unlatched it.

Just in time to. The door swung open revealing my two very angry friends and an amused Akatsuki.

"I'm gonna murder you...!" they both snarled.

"You can't have my fucking Death Note!" I cried.

And then I jumped out of the window.

A little extreme, I know. But believe me, if you were their friend, you'd understand.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, I rang the doorbell. A very pissed off looking Time and Yomi opened it.

"Hello."

"Give me one reason why I should let you in!" Yomi growled.

"Awww... Yomi! You're so mean~!"

She just glared at me.

"C'mon! You forgive me! You know you do."

She sighed in defeat. "I know I do."

I grinned.

"Point Katsumi."

Both of them hit me in the head.

"Owww! What did I do?!"

They both turned and walked away, leaving me to close the door. And then my face turned bright red.

Because Yomi was touching Deidara's chest.

"What are you doing, yeah?"

"Hey, Kat, have you already done this?" she asked.

I bashed my head against the wall.

My brown-haired friend smirked. "I'll take that as a no then..."

"Oh god..."

Time smirked. "You're so generous Kat. Letting us pet chesty first."

"You know what," I muttered. "I'm going to bed. You can take care of getting them all clothed. There should be money around here somewhere. Have fun."

"Aww, Kaaaat~! C'mon, we were only kidding~!"

"I don't care. I'm tired, and I want to go to bed."

"Nope! You're coming with us!"

"Wha- Wait, we don't need to go and get them clothes _now_ do we?!"

"Well," Yomi said. "Now that you mentioned it, it sounds like a perfect idea for right now!"

"But we can't all go! They need someone to watch them!" I cried as they dragged me down the stairs.

"Exactly. That's why we're calling your guy friends!"

"Alec and Patrick? Really?"

"And Matt!"

"Noo..."

"Aw, c'mom. I thought you two were in _love_," Time joked.

I groaned. "Leave me alone..."

"Dei-kun, gimme a hand," Yomi called.

I felt a third pair of hands begin pulling me down the stairs.

I growled half-heartedly.

"Fuck you..."

"Just helping, un."

The doorbell rang.

"Yayy!" Yomi cried. "They're here!"

I stared at her. "How the fuck did they get here do fast? Did you use the bat signal or something?"

She blinked innocently. "I might have texted them to come over earlier."

I glared at her. "Yomi..."

"Heh heh..."

...

...

"KAT, WHY ARE THERE A BUNCH OF SEXY, HALF-NAKED COSPLAYERS IN YOUR LIVING ROOM?"

"We are not responsible for any nosebleeds which may occur!" Yomi shouted.

Time snickered. "I bet Kat-chan got a _huge_ one when she first saw them... There was probably blood spurting everywhere..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing!" Yomi shouted back. "Just about how Kat saw all of them naked!"

"OH MY GAWD KAT, YOU SAW THEM _NAKED?!_"

"They were my fucking cats," I whined. "How was I supposed to know?"

"They'd better not have fucked you. You're _my_ bitch," Alec growled.

I bashed my head against the steps.

"Noooo... Go away! I don't like you!" I groaned.

I felt someone glomp me.

"Oh come on, Kat-chan~. You know you love it~."

"Rape... I'm being raped by a homosexual..."

Patrick pouted. "Hey, I haven't raped you... Yet. And if I did, I'd be cheating on Alec. Right, Al?"

My seventeen year old, bleached-blonde friend hugged the brunette boy.

"Get the fuck off of me, you raging homo," Alec growled.

Alec was a homophobe. A huge homophobe. And at the same time, he was bisexual. And he was with Patrick (whom we was two years older than). Don't ask me how that works. It just does.

"You okay?" Matt asked, brown eyes filling with concern.

I glared at him and got up to speak to my homosexual friend.

"Pat, stop trying to rape them. They're not here for that."

"OH MY GOD," he shouted in return. "KAT IS HAVING INTERCOURSE ON THE COUCH!"

I looked at him, startled. "What the fuc-"

"Kat, I've missed you so much!" Alec cried, crushing me in a massive hug. "Let's have reunion sex!"

"Let's not," I suggested lightly.

Kisame grinned at me. "Are we interrupting something?"

I glared at him and sighed. "Truthfully, I have no fucking idea."

Hidan managed to express that thought by shouting "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!" at the top of his lungs.

When I had finally managed to detach myself from the three boys, I stepped back.

"Bitches, meet the Akatsuki. Akatsuki, meet my bitches."

Hidan snickered. "Nice wording there, bitch."

I stuck my tongue out at him.

Matt looked at me like I was a little off my rocker. Which I probably was, but that's beside the point.

Now don't get me wrong. All the guys loved Naruto as much as us girls. Pat and Alec _loved_ the Akatsuki. Pat being because they were sexy and Alex because they were badass (and me and the other girls because they were sexy badasses). But Matt hated them, because I thought they were...well...you know...

As for my relationship with Matt, I didn't really know. It was kind of confusing. He liked me, I liked him. But it was kind of a whole "I love you. I'm not _in_ love with you" thing. But he acted like we were together. Hence the confusing.

"You okay, hon?" Pat asked. "Do you have a fever? Do you-"

"Hand-mouth," I said bluntly.

The boy looked at me. "What?"

"It's either that or I stab Hidan, which is starting to look better and better..."

"Oi!" Hidan snapped.

I glared at him and took Deidara's hand once again, giving him a "_sorry about this_" look from the corner of my eye.

"OH SWEET JESUS IT'S THE MOTHERFUCKING HAND-MOUTH! OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT'S SO FUCKING SEXY, DO IT AGAIN!"

I stared at Patrick and then at Deidara, who looked very creeped out.

I stood up. "Well if that's all over, I'm gonna-"

I was cut off by a boy with a lollipop mask.

"Kat-chan! Tobi is a good boy!"

And with that I was tackled to the ground in a massive hug.

I immediately squealed at the boy's adorableness.

"You're so cute Tobi!"

The masked boy just rubbed against me affectionately.

"_Him_ cute, un?" Deidara asked, looking even more creeped out than before.

I glared at the bomber.

"He," I said, hugging Tobi tighter to me, "is very cute! Hmph! You just don't know adorable things when you see them! I mean, I know he's annoying, but at the same time, he's fucking adorable!"

The blonde frowned at me. I smiled a bit.

"Don't worry. I find bombers adorable too."

He blushed.

"Th-that's not what I-"

I grinned.

"Ah...we need to get you clothes," I said too cheerily.

Matt looked at me in concern. "Are you okay?"

"Nope," I responded jovially. "Not at all, never have been in fact. But once you get past that, I'm still not! Because, my dear man-friend, we are about to go shopping for the Akatsuki's undies."

He just stared at me.

I looked at Yomi and Time, and we cracked up. Even Hidan began laughing at that.

"Anyway," I said, clearing my throat, "We_ do_ need to get you all clothes. And in order to do that, we'll need to go to the thrift shop, 'cause I'm too damn cheap to shop for any of that fancy shit."

"Why can't we just use your dad's or something?" Sasori asked.

I grinned. "Because, puppet boy, my father took all of his clothes with him on his two-year trip with the wifey."

The puppetier's eye twitched.

"Oh. Zetsu?"

"Yes?" the black and white ninja replied.

"You'll just need a coat right?"

"**A coat would be acceptable.** Thank you."

I grinned. "Okay, well that settles it. Matt, Alec, and I are going to the store. The rest of you are staying here."

"What?!" Yomi and Time cried simultaneously.

"But I wanted to help choose their underwear," Yomi protested.

"Yeah! And I wanted to choose their shirts!" Time cried.

I tried my best not to look disturbed. I failed.

"Well first of all Yomi, that's why I'm bringing Matt and Alec. And Time, that's what I'm there for. Plus, having you two here will be incentive for them not to fuck around. Yes I'm looking at you, Hidan. If they break the rules, then I give you two permission to rape them."

"What about me?" Patrick whined.

I paused.

"Good point. Patrick, you're coming with me and Alex, you're staying here. I'm fine if a girl rapes one of them, but I do not approve of gay sex under this roof unless it's between Hidan and Kakuzu, 'cause I mean, seriously, that shit's hilarious."

"WHAT?!" the zombie partners shouted in unison.

"Right," I said, ignoring them. "The rules of the house: no breaking anything. No doing ninja shit. No blowing shit up. No doing your ninja magic. No blood on the floor. No stealing my money. No blowing shit up. No looking through my shit, because if I find out that you did, I'm chopping your dick off and deep-throating you with it. NO BLOWING SHIT UP. Is that understood?"

They all nodded, suddenly very pale.

Matt was glaring at Deidara.

"If I find out that you fucked her shit up, you're gonna be dead, got me dick-fucker?"

Deidara glared at him. "Would you like to say that again?"

"What, that you like co-"

I punched Matt in the arm.

"Oww! What the hell, Kat?!"

"That's what you get for being a narcissistic dickhead. Now apologize, to the nice friendly bomber."

"He's a fucking terrorist!"

"Nice. Friendly. Bomber," I repeated through clenched teeth.

"C'mon Kat! It's not my fault his hair makes him look like a girl!"

"Nice. Friendly."

"And his eyeliner..."

"Nice," I growled, pinning his arms behind his behind his back. "Now, please apologize to our friendly little terrorist before I allow him to blow you up."

"Oh, so _now_ he's a terrorist."

"Apologize."

He rolled his eyes. "I'm _so_ sorry."

I let him go. "Good boy! See, that wasn't so hard was is? And you..."

I looked at Deidara. "Ignore Matt. He's a just jealous of you because your blonde and he's not."

I straightened my back.

"Now then, if you need anything Alec will call me. See ya, bitches."

And with that, we were outside getting into Matt's truck.

* * *

I allowed Matt to get the guys' boxers (Konan could just borrow some of my clothes). Pat and I were choosing their shirts and pants.

Or to be more specific, Pat was picking out their pants. I was doing the shirts, plus Zetsu's coat.

Now I know what you all are thinking: "You'd let a gay guy choose pants for a bunch of straight guys?! He'll get them all skinny jeans!"

But that's why I love Patrick.

He was the awesomest gay guy ever, with his bleached blonde hair and eyeliner. Sure, he dressed like he was gay and he acted like it, but he could be a scary motherfucker. We had met when I was twelve and this bastard ninth grader had tripped me and made me drop my books all over the place. He yelled at the guy so much that I think he pissed himself. It was an instant friendship.

In appearance, he was about Itachi's height, maybe less (Alec was almost as tall as Kisame). He had brown hair that he bleached to blonde and blue eyes. He wore eyeliner and had a strong jaw line even though he was quite skinny.

And he never, ever, stood for someone making me upset. He would break a wall with their face if that happened.

And he wasn't always gay. When I'd first met him when he was in eighth grade, he had just decided on it. Apparently, he used to be a "cool" kid, but everyone started hating him after it. He shared everything with me, told me about the guys he had a crush on, told me about how he had finally gotten the guy to notice him...and here Alec was today.

I smiled to myself, picking out a few band t-shirts and some hoodies. I laughed when I looked at one of the shirts on the rack and showed it to Pat. He grinned.

It was a black shirt with a faded silver explosion on it, the word "Boom!" scrawled in scarlet letters across the front.

"Oh my god, we are so getting that for Dei," he said when he was done laughing.

I giggled. "Well then...are we done here?"

"Yup," he said with a nod. "We just need your boyfriend to get over here and we can head out."

"He's not my boyfriend," I muttered.

Patrick glanced at me. "Sorry, love. Didn't mean it like that."

We had gotten the guys six shirts each and seven pairs of pants along with a shitload of socks (the little bastards always seem to get lost) and a bunch of shoes. Sandals, dress shoes, Converse, you name it. Whatever we could find that might have fitted them.

Matt met us at the front as we went to buy everything.

"Yo," he said.

I held my hand up in a wave.

"So," he said. "Enjoy getting things for the she-man?"

I glared at him.

"Shut up," Pat said.

I sighed. "That's mean Pat."

I looked at Matt, who had a triumphant smirk on his face. "Though do shut up."

He pouted.

A hand grabbed mine when I went to give the nice lady the explosion shirt to ring up.

"You are _not_ buying that."

I glared at the owner of the hand. "Why the hell not?"

"Because I said so, that's why," Matt growled.

"It's my money, _Matthew_. I'll buy whatever the hell I want."

"Not for that guy, you won't!" he snapped.

I narrowed my eyes. "I'm getting the shirt. Now let go."

He gave a defeated sigh and let go.

And sulked the whole ride home.

* * *

"Kat, can I talk to you?" he asked when we had parked.

I looked at him with narrowed eyes, and then I looked at Patrick who simply said, "I'll carry all the stuff in."

And then we were alone.

For a few minutes he was silent, contemplating what to say.

The only thing I could hear outside in the fast approaching darkness were the crickets.

"Kat," he whispered when it was fully dark outside, leaning closer to me, his hand cupping my cheek. "You know I like you, right?"

I flinched away from him. "Yeah. And I also know that you know I'm not okay with you touching me."

"Kat," he whined and pouted pleadingly.

I sighed.

"Kat," he whimpered, still pouting. "I want you to do something for me."

I shifted my eyes away from him, refusing to give in.

"What?" I demanded.

His arm snaked around my waist; his mouth was at my ear.

"Make that she-man go away for me. I don't like him; he's mean to me. I don't want to share my Kitty-Kat."

With that, he growled possessively in my ear.

"Kat," he said, looking at me with half-lidded eyes. "I want you."

It was approximately two seconds later that I sent his head crashing through the windshield.

* * *

**A/N: Oh damn. Well, that escalated quickly. Also, I fixed some spelling errors and grammar and added some shit to the first chapter! :3 Please feel free to tell me if there are any typos so I can fix them later :).**

**Loved it? Hated it? I can use flames to keep the heating bill low in the winter :)!**

**Tobi: Tobi wants candy! Tobi is a good boy!**

**Deidara, Hidan, and Kakuza: Don't do it!**

**Me: Awww he's so cute though...**

**Itachi: Don't look into his mask. It will possess you.**

**Me: Possess you, huh?... If you review, I'll give you Tobi *evil smirk***

**- KAi**


	5. Hiding Under the Bed (Oh Joy)

**A/N: I'm really fucking pissed off right now because this is the third time I'm retyping this chapter because I lost it all three times. The first time it was just the author's note which was fine, the second time was half the chapter, and the third time was the full thing because my computer crashed. And I copy-and-pasted it to Microsoft Word but that went down too. So fuck my life. I'll (hopefully) get the next chapter out today. HOPEFULLY. Meaning most likely not but I'll give it a half-assed try anyway.**

**Reply time!**

**WRose: *shrugs* It's only as great as my reviewers. :) I love you guys.**

**Suigin: I love you so fucking much. I'm not even going to try. You're just an amazing human being who deserves a kitty on a rocket launcher with the whole of the Akatsuki. That's just how awesome you are. I love you. You're epic. (Tobi:*glomps* Tobi loves Suigin-chan!)**

**Kakuzu: Kai doesn't own Naru-**

**Hidan: SHE OWNS IT BITCHES! SUCK THAT!**

* * *

_With that, he growled possessively in my ear._

_"Kat," he said, looking at me with half-lidded eyes. "I want you."_

_It was approximately two seconds later that I sent his head crashing through the windshield._

* * *

**Third person POV**

"Yo, where's the crazy bitch at?" Hidan asked when Patrick walked in.

"Outside," the blonde said. "Talking to Matt."

At that, Yomi and Time squealed. "Yay!"

"Is there any reason you had to blow my eardrums out just now?" Sasori grumbled.

"Yes," Yomi said. 'Because Matt has a humongous crush on Kat and we think Kat likes him too. They should get together! They'd be soo cute!"

No sooner had the words left her mouth, someone growled next to her.

"Yeah. Tell that to the bastard behind me," Kat snarled, walking stiffly up the stairs.

"Kat?" Time asked worriedly. "You okay?"

"I don't know. Ask Thundercunt down there, 'cause apparently he's my master or some shit."

Alec got up. "What do you mean?"

"She means that she smashed my face into the windshield," a tired voice muttered.

"Damn straight, fucker! Try to touch me again and I'll bust a cap up your ass!"

Matt laughed, nursing his bloody nose. "I'd like to see you try."

The small girl stopped her ascent up the stairs.

"What did you just say?"

Before he could repeat it, she cut him off.

"Is that a threat? You fucking pussy, I'll kill you."

And with that, she went into her bedroom and locked the door.

* * *

**First person POV, Katsumi**

I scowled angrily at the ground as I rested my chin on my knees and contemplated how to kill that bastard for touching me.

Fucker needs to take a hint.

"Kat!" Yomi called from what sounded like the staircase. "Come down!"

"I'd rather suck Whore-ochimaru's balls!" I retorted. And then shuddered at the mental image that gave me. I heard Hidan and Deidara snickering.

"Kat!" It was Time this time. Ahaha, I get it. Time this time... No? Okay. "Don't make me come up there!"

"Fuck you!" I shouted. "You suck my metaphorical dick!"

At that point, Hidan was full-on roaring in laughter.

"Kat," Yomi whined, at my door now. "Please."

"No! Fuck you!"

...

...

"But I wanna snort the smarties!"

"They're my smarties!"

"YOU SNORTED SMARTIES WITHOUT ME?!"

"THEY'RE MY SMARTIES BITCH! I CAN SNORT THEM WHENEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO!" **(A/N: True story actually. Two of my friends that were volunteering at my community center with me this summer (they're idiots) decided to crush a bunch of smarties and then snort them and then proceeded to run around the place screaming "AHHH! IT BURNSSSSSSS!" And this, folks, is why I have no hope in the human race.)**

There was a short silence (minus Hidan's now constant snickering). And then...

"Konan, would you help me unlock this door?"

I could hear the grin in the woman's voice.

"Sure."

"KONAN, YOU TRAITOR!"

_Shit_, I thought, looking for a good hiding spot.

I found one just in time, hiding under my bed just as the door opened.

"Where are you, bitch?"

"Katsumi?"

"Come out, girl."

I smirked to myself. This was perfect. They'd never find me, and if they did, the only one that could fit under was Tobi.

Mostly because no one would want to crawl under my bed to drag me out...

The legs of a certain blonde bomber stopped in front of me.

I grinned. Target acquired.

I leaped out from under my bed and tackled him to the ground, purring.

Alas, the only thing that could draw me out was the sweet temptation of a blonde bomber...

"What the hell?!" he yelped.

"Hello," I chirped.

"Hi," he replied.

I gave him a tiny smile.

"Thank god," Matt muttered.

I glared at him. "I thought I told you to get out of this house, fucker."

He rolled his eyes. "Oh, _I'm_ the fucker here."

I narrowed my eyes.

Yomi had to ruin the moment by trying to "catch" me.

"I'VE GOT HER!" she shouted.

I yelped and went back to my hiding place, glaring at the brunette.

"Fucking idiot," Hidan muttered.

"Heh heh...woops."

"Let me try," the zealot offered with a maniacal grin.

He stuck his hand under the bed and tried to pull me out.

So I did the thing any rational person would do.

I bit his hand.

"OW! WHAT THE FUCK?! SHE BIT MY FUCKING HAND! THE LITTLE SHIT HAS SHARP FUCKING TEETH!"

"Damn right," I snarled. "And I'll take off a finger next time too, you zealously zealous zealot!"

Kisame chuckled. "Serves you right, Hidan."

"Shut up!" the Jashinist snarled.

"Kat," Time said.

"What?"

"I'll give you Deidara."

"... Tempting, but no."

"Damn."

So we all sat there for a few minutes, before I randomly started giggling.

"What is it, un? Are you going to come out?"

"Nope... Meow." I chirped.

Sasori bent down to look at me. "Did you just _meow?!_"

I blinked at him owlishly. "Meow."

"..."

I shrugged. "I'm a kitty."

"... What the hell...?" the puppet muttered.

"OH MY GOD, THAT'S SO FUCKING ADORABLE, KAT! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE SO I CAN RAPE YOU, YOU ADORABLE CREATURE!"

I winced. "You're not really making me want to move, Pat."

"Kat-chan? Will you come out if Tobi gives you candy?"

"Tobi!" I squealed.

"Kat-chan?"

I shook my head adamantly. "No. But if you come under here with me, I'll buy you candy. We can make this into our fort!"

Tobi didn't need any more encouragement. He slid underneath the bed with me.

"Tobi!" I chirped happily, hugging my favorite lollipop.

"Kat-chan!" he replied, hugging me back.

Deidara knelt on the ground. "You two done in there yet, yeah?"

I growled at him plyafully, eyes shining in amusement as his expression changed from mildly annoyed to confused.

"Did you just growl at me?"

"Yup."

"That's new...un..."

Matt sighed. "Kat, please come out. I want to apologize."

I scowled.

"Fine," I muttered. "But the moment you say something wrong, I'm shipping your ass to the far plane."

Hidan snickered. I glared at him.

"You're next Jasmine."

"Hey!" he snapped.

I crawled out from underneath the bed, Tobi following in suit, and sprawled out on the floor.

"You overreacted," wa the first thing Matt said.

I flipped him off.

He ignored me.

"Seriously, Kat! All I was trying to say was that I like you!"

"By practically licking my fucking ear?" I asked, eyes narrowed in annoyance.

He sighed. "That's beside the point-"

I shot up, livid.

"Beside the point?" I asked. "What about you trying to fuck me in your car is _beside the point?!_"

"Kat, I didn't mean it like-"

"Oh no. I know what you fucking meant. Fucking womanizing bitch."

"Look, Kat. I _like_ you! Can't we just accept that and move on?"

My eyes widened.

"Accept it and move on?" I said incredulously. "Matt have you ever stopped to think that maybe I only have _friends_, and very few of them at that?"

He set his jaw. "You know where I'll be when you make up you're mind. Bye Yomi. By Time."

I didn't miss the fact that he purpose bumped into Sasori.

"Well, now that that's over," I sighed. "Let's get you guys dressed.

"Kat," Yomi started.

"I know. He was being a dick anyway. Let him simmer."

Alec sighed. "I could have just beat him up for you."

I grinned. "Where's the fun in that? Now then, off to the dressing room with you all!"

* * *

Two hours later, we had everyone's clothes distributed and ready to go.

Patrick and Alec left soon after that, most likely to go home and have sex.

Oh god...

Bad mental images.

It was only when we were getting ready to go to bed that the problem of sleeping arrangements came up.

I sighed for the quadrillionth time today.

Yomi snickered next to me.

'What?" I asked.

"Nothing, it's just... I was going to suggest that you just stick all of the guys in one room and all the girls in another, but then I realized that we wouldn't be able to prevent any explicit KakuHida smut."

I stared at her for a moment before dying, along with all the other Akatsuki members (minus Hidan and Kakuzu who were currently scooting away from each other).

"Ah, Christ. This is why I love you Yomi. And that's a good question. I guess few of them could sleep in my parents' bedroom. Same with you and Time in the guest room... A few could also sleep in the living room and my room..."

Time stared at me. "Genius Kat. Now how do we make sure no one rapes us?"

I snorted. "Bitch please. I'd probably rape you before any of them did...except maybe Hidan..."

This elicited an angry flow of curses to stream out of the Jashinist's mouth.

"Hn," I murmured to myself.

"Woah, Itachi! She used your word!" Hidan cried.

I looked at him with a raised eyebrow but didn't say anything.

"It would be preferable if people stayed with their partners," I finally said, "but there are too many of them to do that... Maybe Konan and Pein in my parents' room... Itachi, Tobi, and Zetsu in the guest room with you and Time... Sasori, Deidara, and Kisame could come with me... Hm... But I don't trust Hidan enough for him to sleep out in the open where he could get to the knives or some crazy shit..."

Yomi stared at me. "Are you seriously considering letting Hidan sleep in your room?!"

I shrugged.

"So then it would be Konan and Pein...Itachi and Kakuzu in the guest room with you two... Zetsu and Tobi in the living room... And Hidan, Deidara, and Kisame with me?"

Time stared at me like I was insane. Or suicidal. Probably a bit of both.

Yomi just rolled her eyes. "What about Sasori?"

I shrugged again. "He can just wander I guess... He's probably not gonna be sleeping much, right Sasori no Danna?"

The puppet groaned. "Not you too... Yeah... I won't be sleeping."

I grinned. "Okay, so Sasori can just alternate and kind of go wherever he wants. That's settled."

"I still don't trust Hidan to be in your room," both of them said.

"That's why I have Kisame," I pointed out. "He'll protect me. Right Kisame?"

The shark looked at me in amusement. "Anything to have an excuse to kick Hidan's ass."

I laughed. "Amen."

"... I hate you both..." Hidan muttered.

I stuck my tongue out at him.

"See you guys upstairs."

And that was how my first night with the Akatsuki was spent.

Only tomorrow morning would it finally sink in what I had done.

* * *

**A/N: Ooh, foreshadowing. Holy shit. I'm sorry for how much this sucks on all levels. I literally pulled this chapter out of my ass.**

**Thank you so much for all the follows/favorites!**

**Review and you get Sasori no Danna!**


	6. Poptarts and Dancing

**A/N: It's fall break mutha fuckas! Which means that I've been home all week with my sister, threatening to sacrifice her to Jashin.**

**Hidan: *pats head* That's my bitch!**

**Me: Yay! *huggles***

**Deidara: What the fuck...?**

**Me: Come on, Dei! Share the love!**

**Deidara: No thanks, un...**

**Oh my gershness the reviews...! I love you guys! I seriously hadn't expected a lot of good feedback from that chapter since it sucked ass... ^^; If I haven't replied to your review yet, I'll (hopefully) get to that by this afternoon. :)**

**Reply time!**

**Asheza: Hellooooo~! I'm gonna hug you right now...that okay with you? *glomps* Aha, thank you! I liked the hiding-under-the-bed-part too, considering that's what I do whenever my friends attempt to do something mildly unsavory to me (i.e, pick me up, feed me tofu, rape...) As for what's going to happen in the night... Well, Hidan's a pervert, I'll give you that much XD (Sasori: Why must I do this? *hugs*)**

**AKATSUKIANDTEENWOLFLUVER: Aww, thanks! That's my goal: to make you guys laugh :) (Sasori: Not again... Fine... *hugs*)**

**I just reread the chapter of the manga where it's revealed that Tobi-Madara isn't Tobi-Madara at all... And then I watched the fight between Kankuro's team and Dei and Sasori again... I cried so much. Because Sasori was smiling and looked all happy, and Deidara was yelling at him to snap out of it and telling him that art was an explosion to try to get him to respond... Noo the feels :'(**

**I don't own Naruto. If I did, the Akatsuki wouldn't have died.**

* * *

_"See you guys upstairs."_

_And that was how my first night with the Akatsuki was spent._

_Only tomorrow morning would it finally sink in what I had done._

* * *

**First person POV, Katsumi**

I woke up the next morning to something...warm.

I sighed happily and hugged my pillow to me tighter.

Wait...pillows don't move.

I went stiff, looking down at the man who was currently snuggling into my chest, and let out an ear-splitting scream.

Hidan yelped as I pushed him off of the bed.

"PERVERT!" I yelled, springing up.

"What? What the fuck did I do?!" he cried.

"What's with all this yelling, hm?" someone muttered from the side of the bed.

I literally saw blue from the corner of my vision.

Kisame stretched lazily. "What did Hidan do this time?"

The door slammed open before I could answer.

"Are you okay?!" Konan panted. "We heard screaming."

I groaned. It looked like I had woken everyone up. I glared at Hidan.

"I'm going to murder you."

He gulped, and Konan narrowed her eyes.

"What did he do?"

"He fucking slept against my chest," I growled.

"It was an accident, I swear!" he cried.

"It better have been!" I snapped. "I don't even want to ask how you got on my bed."

Kakuzu walked in and Grabbed Hidan by his neck. "You're an idiot."

I sighed. "Well, I'm going to make breakfast-"

I was tossed backwards by a certain lollipop.

"Kat-chan~!" he cried.

"Morning, Tobi. Mind getting off of me? I've got to eat."

"Tobi will get off of Kat-chan because Tobi is a good boy!"

I patted his head and headed downstairs.

* * *

"So, we heard you almost got raped by Hidan," Yomi and Time said.

I rolled my eyes.

"How was it with Itachi last night?" I teased.

A light blush appeared on Yomi's face.

I smirked. "Gotcha. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to get some poptarts."

Time snickered. "You're so cliché."

"I know I am. You love it."

With that, I disappeared into the kitchen and grabbed a box of S'mores poptarts. I took a deep breath.

"OI, AKA-BITCHES! GET YOUR ASSES DOWN HERE IF YOU WANT TO EAT!"

They were down the second I closed my mouth.

I tossed the box at them.

"What the fuck are these?" Hidan asked.

"Food," I deadpanned. "You consume it."

The Jashinist glared at me. I just glared back before sighing.

"They're poptarts. Enjoy."

Exactly five minutes later, Hidan was searching the house for more poptarts.

"Those were really good, yeah," Deidara said.

I laughed.

"What, hm?"

"It's just, in a lot of fanfictions like this, you guys _love_ poptarts."

"Fanfictions, un?"

Yomi got a wierd look in her eyes.

"No," I said. "Absolutely not."

She pouted. "You're so mean Kat~!"

I looked away from her. "Maybe later. Not now though."

"Yay!"

"Can we at least show them some of the fan videos and stuff?" Time asked.

"Sure...?"

Cue squealing from both of them.

So a few minutes later the Akatsuki were in my living room as Yomi was searching for videos that wouldn't spoil anything.

The Carmelldansen started blaring on my TV, which was hooked up to my computer.

Kisame jumped. "What the hell...?"

And then a chibi Deidara came up on the screen and started dancing.

"OH MY GOD! AHAHAHAHAAA! THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME!" Hidan cried.

Deidara just sat there looking mildly disgusted.

"What the hell...?"

I twitched, resisting the urge. Must...resist... Yomi grinned at me.

We both got up and squealed before dancing. Time grinned and joined us just as Tobi came on the screen.

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" Tobi cried as he started dancing too.

"Dance on your balls, cat fucking a handbag, yours only yours, a walrus tickle dance pad; this is no lie, Lisa in the crowd said, 'Look, Henry had a vagina malfunction!" the three of us (minus Tobi) cheered as the song came to an end.

By the time we stopped dancing, Hidan was crying, and some of the other more stoic members were smirking and chuckling.

"Dei-chan, I never knew that you were such a good dancer!" Hidan snickered.

The terrorist blushed. "Sh-shut up Hidan!"

Yomi grinned evilly at the zealot before a video lovingly titled "[MMD] - Akatsuki Bakunyu Ondo - Sung by the Ukes" came on. He went pale.

"Hey, Hidan, I never knew that you liked dancing like a little girl, un," Deidara snickered.

"Shut up, Blondie! You're in there too!"

The bomber turned scarlet. Itachi glared at the screen, as if willing it to explode.

The rest of them were laughing at their misfortune. Until we put up the seme version.

"I'm going to kill whoever made these..." Kisame growled.

"You know if I had my way, Deidara would have been a seme..." I muttered.

Deidara looked at me in mild disgust. I shrugged.

"What? Just because you have long hair doesn't automatically make you an uke. That's why I ship Deisa not Sasodei."

"It doesn't make a difference~" Time sang.

"Yes, it does~" I sang back.

Deidara and Sasori looked at each other before turning a wierd shade of green.

I snickered.

"Let's see...what's next... Ooh! I know! You'll love this Kat!" Yomi said.

I squealed as she began playing the SasoDeiItaKisa Nyan Nyan MMD.

I leapt off the couch and began mimicking their movements, singing along with the song.

"Nyan nyan, nyan nyan, nihao nyan..."

They all stared at me.

"C'mon Tobi! I'll teach you how to do this one!"

In the course of thirty seconds, the lollipop was dancing right next to me like a pro.

After that was what Yomi promised would be the last one. It was the Akatsuki Cosplay Musical.

"Yes!" I cried, as the Kisame cosplayer began dancing.

They all stared at the screen in disgust.

"What the fuck...?" Hidan muttered.

"GO KONAN!" Yomi cheered. "YOU SEXY FUCKING BEAST!"

The blue-haired woman blushed.

And then...

"Oh, god. Someone restrain Kat."

I was sqee-ing quietly to myself as Deidara came on, clenching my fists at the utter cuteness overload.

"Is she going to be alright, un?"

"Nope!" came the cheerful reply from my two friends.

Deidara stared at the cosplayer.

"What the fuck, hm...?"

Yomi giggled. "Hey, Blondie. Would you dance like that if I payed you?"

He stared at her. "No."

Tobi watched in interest as he came on. And then...

"Senpai?"

"What?"

"Why did you dance like a girl?"

I fell off the couch laughing before glomping Tobi.

"You. Are. A-fucking-dorable!"

Deidara had to be restrained by Kisame.

All of the Akatsuki looked mildly disturbed as they all came on to dance, even Pein (though no one could blame the guy. I mean they had Pac-Man running around in the background! I'd be scared, too.) Itachi just wore his usual "I'm-an-Uchiha-therefore-I'm-too-cool-to-care" look and gave an occasional "Hn."

When that video was done, Hidan looked at me.

"Your world is fucked up."

I grinned. "Just wait until you watch the news."

"The news?" Kisame asked.

Yomi snorted. "Believe me, this world is all kinds of fucked up."

"I second that!" I called over my shoulder.

"Oi, bitch!" Hidan shouted. "Where're you going?"

"To find my next victim," I deadpanned. "No, I'm going to go upstairs and do some homework."

"Homework?" he scoffed.

"Yes, homework. Now if you all could please leave me alone, that would be much appreciated."

* * *

**Third person POV**

"Five bucks that she's gonna crack," Time said.

Yomi grinned. "No way. Five bucks it is."

They had just sent Deidara into her room to drag her back downstairs, and they were betting on whether or not Kat would fangirl over him.

Time said yes.

Yomi said no.

The rest of the Akatsuki were staring at them and slowly backing away.

* * *

**First person POV, Katsumi**

I hated homework. But right then, I hated two weasels (not the Itachi kind) known as Time and Yomi for stealing my pencils.

I ran out of my room, prepared to kick ass, getting ready to yell at them, when I ran into something hard and blonde. Also known as Deidara.

Both of us cried out in surprise as we tipped backwards and went tumbling down the stairs.

Deidara, God bless him, wrapped his arms around me and clutched me to his chest to try and keep me from getting hurt. However, the laws of physics won this round, and we ended up rolling around halfway down. My back was going to hate me for this.

We landed at the bottom of the stairs in an even more awkward position, which, sadly, the whole of the Akatsuki was there to see.

Basically, he was straddling me.

"Having a little fun there?" Yomi snickered.

I glared at her. "I'll murder you."

I looked at Deidara who had gotten off of me and was wincing and rubbing his head.

"Need some help there, un?" he asked, holding his hand out for me.

That's when the universe decided to let it sink in that the Akatsuki was in my house.

Gee, thanks universe.

Yomi must have noticed the look in my eyes.

"Someone hold her down!"

* * *

**A/N: Ahaha I'm so mean! XD So yes, next chapter she'll freak out over the fact that the Akatsuki is awesome. I'm sorry for the slow chapters lately. I'm kind of out of it.**

**Sasori: Aren't you always out of it?**

**Me: Shut up, Pinocchio.**

**If you review, you get Konan, 'cause she's fucking awesome!**


	7. Getting to Know You (Sort of)

**A/N: Love you guys! :3 Not much to say here so...**

**Reply time!**

**XxRoseandIvyxX (Julia)- Oh fuck yeah! 'Cause I just found ****_you_****. You, my friend, are a fifty billion on the epic scale of epicness (which only goes up to ten by the way). I love you to. And as for Dei, well, who DOESN'T want him? (Deidara: Kai, you're fucking creepy, un...!) (Deidara: Oh, and also, since your reviews are the only thing technically keeping me alive, I love you. *glomps*)**

**AKATSUKIANDTEENWOLFLUVER: Ahaha XD I'm a bit afraid too... Konan is fucking epic (Konan: *blushes* Thank you! *glomps*)**

**WRose: That's for me to think up as I go along and you to find out. So basically I have no fucking idea :) (Konan: Yayyy! Another! *hugs*)**

**Kanjo no Jiyu: Aaaaaaaaaand I love you! You are epicsauce on a unicorn enchilada. :D (Konan: *tackle-hugs* Ermehgersh I love you guys!)**

**Pein: *pouts***

**Well now that the cuteness overload is done...**

**Tobi: Kai-chan doesn't own Naruto! Tobi is a good boy!**

* * *

_"Need some help there, un?" he asked, holding his hand out for me._

_That's when the universe decided to let it sink in that the Akatsuki was in my house._

_Gee, thanks universe._

_Yomi must have noticed the look in my eyes._

_"Someone hold her down!"_

I tried. I really did.

But then one of his hand-mouths smiled, and I just lost it. Like any-control-I-might-have-once-had-just-flew-out-th e-fucking-window lost it.

I think he noticed the change in me because his expression changed from worried to hesitant in a heartbeat.

I sprung up and then I glomped the living shit out of him.

"What the hell?!"

"You're so cute!" I squealed. "Oh my god, you're so fucking epic!"

I picked up one of his hands.

"These," I said, eyes sparkling and pointing to the mouth, "are the _shit_! They're fucking epic and awesome and oh my fucking god you're fucking boss! Jesus Christ, I just can't... I can't...! You're so fucking cute! I love you so much! Oh meh gerrrrrd!"

The terrorist just stared at me, not expecting me to react like this.

Hidan was keeled over on the couch, laughing.

So you know what I did?

I fucking tackled that bitch to the ground.

Oh, yeah. Sorry Kakuzu. He's _my_ bitch now.

"Hidan!" I squealed. "Have I ever told you how _amazing_ you are? 'Cause you are! You're like fucking epicsauce on a sandwich of AWESOMENESS!"

"What the fuck?! Get off of me!"

Yomi snickered. Time just sighed.

"Sorry. Not even we can stop her when she's like this," Yomi said when she'd finally recovered.

Just when I thought I couldn't get any stupider, big surprise, I did.

Because it was when I was done thoroughly molesting Hidan that I decided to give Kisame a bear-hug.

I was soo going to regret this later.

So, long story short, I jumped the shark man.

The only reason he didn't fall over was because of his awesome ninja skills. He even caught me to make sure I didn't fall because he was so tall.

"What the hell...?!" he yelped.

I pulled on his cheeks. "Kisa~! You're so cute~!"

"Umm...thanks?"

I purred loudly before jumped off of him and right onto my favorite puppet.

Sasori looked at me from the corner of his eye.

"What are you doing brat?"

"Hugging you," I replied, as if this was perfectly normal.

He rolled his eyes. "I can see that."

"Danna, you're so mean~!"

"I didn't say anything."

"You thought it."

At that he just smirked.

After I had thoroughly loved Sasori, I moved on to Konan.

"You are adorable. I love your hair Konan. You're so pretty!"

The blue-haired woman blushed. "Th-thanks."

"Konan~!" I sang happily, hugging the woman. "You're one badass motherfucker."

She laughed. "Thanks."

"Hey, maybe you and I could beat up Hidan sometime. It would be fun."

"Hey!" the Jashinist snapped.

Someone lifted me off of Konan.

"Okay, Kat. That's enough for now," Yomi said, holding me by the back of my shirt. Damn her being taller than me.

I pouted.

"Yomi~! You're so mean~!"

"Yeah, yeah. I know, kid."

"You're more of a kid than I am!"

"She has a point," Time mused.

"Shut up Time."

The ginger stuck her tongue out at Yomi.

In those few moments, some form of clarity came over me.

"Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit," I muttered.

"What?" both of them asked.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Did I just do what I think I did...?"

"Yup," Yomi replied jovially.

"Damn. Well then. God fucking dammit."

"You okay there, Kat?"

"No. This is like...wow. God fucking damn. Fuck. Well this is...shit. Yep. Balls."

Time rolled her eyes. "Well, you forgot to flip yourself off, but other than that, good job."

I looked at the Akatsuki, who were now staring at me.

"Heh heh...sorry about that."

Kisame gave me a shark-like grin. "No problem, kid. Those two already did it enough when you and the other two guys were gone."

I looked at Time.

"Do you need me to make sure that you two are still virgins?" I deadpanned.

Yomi giggled. "Too late."

"Oh no," I said sarcastically. "Just remember to use protection."

"Tobi wants to know what protection is."

I stared at the lollipop.

"You can ask your senpai that," Yomi chirped.

I glared at her. "Fuck you."

"Oh right," she mused. "You prefer Deidara to be with Sasori, not Tobi."

Deidara started choking. "W-what the fuck, un?!"

Time shrugged. "It's better than you with Itachi. Though that's better than Itachi and Sasuke..."

Itachi's eyes bugged out a bit. Deidara was having a seizure on the floor. Sasori was on the couch looking disgusted.

"Tobi wants to know what protection is. And what does Yomi-chan mean by senpai and Tobi?"

"Protection. As in a condom. As in something you put over your dick to prevent a woman from getting pregnant when you have sex. And you and your senpai, as in pairings. As in sex. As in rolling around in bed, moaning each others' name, whilst doing explicit activities that shall not be explained right now," I deadpanned.

The boy cocked his head. "What is a dick?"

Yomi and Time burst out laughing. I was not amused. Maybe because Yomi was still holding me in midair by the back of my shirt. Fucking bitch. Ah, shut up. I love her.

I sighed. "Hidan is a dick. Dick as in penis. As in the thing that dangles in between your legs."

And with that, the boy fainted.

I smirked and met Sasori's eyes. We both cracked up.

"Ah, that was perfect!" he snickered.

"Did you have to do that, un?" Deidara asked, looking permanently scarred.

"Yes."

"Good job, bitch!" Hidan said. "Though I don't appreciate the part about me being a dick."

I shrugged. "It's actually a compliment. Especially when you consider that every fangirl on the face of the planet thinks that you don't have one."

"Mainly because we all think that you're Kakuzu's bitch," Yomi added, finally putting me down.

That ultimately lead to Kakuzu threatening to sew our mouths shut and Hidan threatening to sacrifice us to Jashin and Pein breaking it up by threatening to kill them both. Because believe me, he'd find a way.

* * *

"Let's play three truths!" Yomi shouted randomly.

I looked at her. "Why, exactly?"

"Because," my brunette friend pointed out, "We barely know each other."

Time and I gave her a look like "bitch please."

Time and Yomi knew about the same amount as each other. I, however, knew more about the series than both of them combined. That's what happens when you're obsessed.

"That _is_ a good idea..." Time murmured.

"No," I said adamantly.

"Why not?" they both asked, pouting.

Zetsu looked at us. "What is this game? **No, don't ask that, stupid!** Why not? **Because then we'd have to play!** Aw, come on, I think it'd be fun. **No.**"

I smiled at his split personalities. "Three truths is a game where you take a slip of paper and write three things about you that no one else would know and then fold it up and put in a bowl. Every player chooses a piece of paper randomly from the bowl and try to guess who wrote it by its content. If you miss, then the person to the left of you tries to guess who wrote it. The one who guesses the most right wins."

"That sounds fun, un," Deidara mused.

And so we played the god damned game.

When we all had finished writing our truths, Yomi found a big bowl to mix them up in.

"Okay," she announced. "I'll go first."

She pulled out a sheet of paper. "I like the dark. I don't use hair gel. I am a virgin."

Yomi looked around the lazy circle we had formed. "Um... Sasori?"

The puppet rolled his eyes. "No."

She frowned and passed the paper to me.

I grinned. "Hidan, you so use hair gel, you liar."

The Jashinist smirked. "Is that how you knew it was me?"

"That and the fact that you're the only one anyone would doubt being a virgin."

Yomi gaped at me. "That was _Hidan's?!_"

"Yup," I responded. "My turn."

I fished out a paper. "I like breathing. Hidan and Kakuzu should have little immortal babies. I HAVE A VIOLIN FETISH! GLAHDEJDFFGHWGEHJ *drools*"

I looked at Yomi. "You're a retard."

She grinned at me.

"... A violin fetish?" Kisame asked once Kakuzu and Hidan stopped making death threats.

"We were in world history last year and the fucktard didn't know what a fetish was, so one day in class she stood up and screamed 'I HAVE A VIOLIN FETISH!' and then went up to our teacher, grabbed his leg, and started gnawing on it," I explained.

"What the fuck?" Hidan cried, trying to hold in his laughter.

"Tobi wants to know what a violin is!" the lollipop cried, having only just recovered from the trauma he had endured before.

"A violin is an instrument," I replied.

"Oh."

And so the game went on.

Kisame's truths were that he was _not_ part shark, he did eat seafood, and that he was naturally blue. That made me crack up, even though I didn't believe it.

All of theirs were pretty see-through, considering that we knew everything about them. Especially Deidara's (he began insulting Sasori in his).

And so, were at the end of our game.

Which sucked because a few of us (me, Time, Konan, Pein, Tobi, and Itachi) still hadn't gotten chosen.

I hated this game.

And so it was Deidara's turn again.

"I like lot's of music, especially alternative rock and screamo. Hidan is a dick, but I'm pretty sure everyone knows that by now. Most of my family is dead."

There was a long silence after that, and then, almost jokingly, the bomber said, "Itachi?"

The weasel shook his head.

I sighed. "That one's mine."

The bomber's eyes met mine. "I'm sorry, un."

"Nah, it's fine. Most of it was a long time ago. Didn't even know half of 'em."

Surprisingly, it was Hidan who talked next.

"Just because you didn't know 'em doesn't mean you can't mourn."

I rolled my eyes. "This coming from the masochist."

"How did they die?" Kisame asked gently.

"Suicide," I answered with a wry grin. "Either that or they were murdered."

"I'm sorry," the shark said.

I shrugged, starting to feel a bit awkward.

"ERMEHGERSH, I WANNA GO NEXT!" Yomi shouted. She picked a piece of paper. "Itachi!"

The weasel nodded and gave a short "Hn."

"Nice job," I laughed.

And that was how our game ended.

* * *

"Oi, bitch! What are you doing?"

Well currently, I was trying to start a movie for all of them to watch. And what better movie to watch than Pirates of the Caribbean? (We were going to watch Mulan, but I decided against it because, unless Hidan was totally wasted, he would be complaining the whole time.)

"I'm putting in the movie, you uncle fucker," I replied casually.

He grabbed me by the neck. "What did you fucking call me?"

I smirked. "Oh that's right... You're Kakuzu's bitch."

I looked at the miser, who was glaring at me. "Sorry Kakuzu! I might use your bitch for a while."

Five minutes and a long stream of death threats later, we were finally watching the movie.

"What's thids about?" Kisame asked.

"Sexy badass pirates who go around fucking shit up," Yomi replied excitedly.

Time and I rolled our eyes.

Sadly, I ended up sitting on the floor right in between Hidan's legs (shut up), which meant that he would smash my head between his knees every few minutes in an attempt to murder me.

Eventually I got bored and mover to go sit over with Deidara and Kisame.

Then I got bored and decided to "pounce" on Kisame from behind the couch, and, because he was a ninja and he was awesome like that, he didn't go flying like I had expected him to. Which meant that I was hanging from his head like some sort of deranged cat.

"Deidara," Kisame said calmly, "Would you get her off of my head?"

That helped NOTHING.

"Sure," Deidara said with a smirk.

That ultimately lead to a full-out war between us as he tried to pry me off of the shark's head.

Basically, it was him pulling on me by my legs and me clinging to Kisame's head, hissing and spitting like a cat.

"Dammit, un!" he growled. "Is she glued onto your head or something?!"

The others were dutifully ignoring us, minus the occasional snicker or amused look.

So you know what Deidara did? He leapt at me and _tackled_ me off of Kisame's head. The shark stayed oblivious to all of this, always keeping his eyes on the screen.

I was shot across the room with a loud "Woah!" as the terrorist clung to me for dear life.

Both of us barreled into the wall. I growled at him.

"Ouch," he muttered.

"Idiot," I muttered.

The movie ended soon after that, and we decided to go to bed.

Day two, was good and gone.

Sadly, the fun part was only just beginning.

* * *

**A/N: I think this chapter went fairly well. Next chapter is... SCHOOL! Dun dun dun...**

**XD I'm watching the Pirates of the Caribbean bloopers right now...**

**I lost it at "I'll help you find the compass...if you do strange things to my dog. His name is Tim."**

**Review and you get Hidan (complete with a leash and Kakuzu to keep him under control, as well as handcuffs for all your...desires *evil smirk* *cough cough* bondage *cough cough*)!**

**Hidan: *growls smexily***


	8. School, The Land Where Dreams Die

**A/N: IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG SINCE I HAVE UPDATED LIKE, WTF. Jesus, I am truly sorry for the helluva long wait, and, to be honest, I'm too lazy to reply to review right now. I lurve you all :P**

**Meh, I was gonna update on Monday but I wanted to make this update uber good and shit and then I had a violin concert tonight that I had to perform in. Well technically last night at six thirty. It's 2:10 AM here bitches. That's how much I love you. Plus, I kept on having nightmares about you guys, angry and ripping me limb from limb... ^^;**

**Disclaimer: I own Naruto, bitches.**

**Now then, school. And the Akatsuki. *laughs evilly***

* * *

Do you know how disturbing it is to wake up with Hidan snuggling into your chest?

Now, imagine how disturbing it would be to be crushed underneath him with his hands partially under your shirt so they were resting on your bare stomach and his morning breath blowing in your face.

Sadly, I got to experience this first hand this morning.

I fought back to urge to scream and tried to think about this logically.

Considering that the guy was about five times my weight and twice my height, I had no chance of pushing him off.

So I opened my mouth and yelled at the top of my lungs:

"WHEN I SAY TOUCH ME, YOU SAY SOFTLY. TOUCH ME."

A yell of "SOFTLY!" came from downstairs, and I heard footsteps thundering on the stairs.

Yomi and Time flung open the door, followed by every other member of the Akatsuki.

"Hello," I said without cheer from under the zealot. "Would you mind getting him off of me?"

Kisame looked at us and giggled. "Ooh, did things get a little 'rough' last night?"

I looked at him.

"You should know, shark-man," I deadpanned.

The shark frowned at me and stuck his tongue out.

Five minutes later, I was out from underneath Hidan, who was currently suspended in a cross-like position above the floor. Thank God for Sasori and his chakra strings.

"Hey, Sasori, can you keep him there?"

The redhead smirked. "Sure."

I looked at Deidara and sighed. "This is partially for you, Blondie."

And with that, I kicked the Jashinist in the crotch and thundered, "WAKE UP, SUNSHINE!"

Needless to say, the zealot collapsed to the ground with a loud scream and a bunch of curse words.

"OW! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR, YOU BITCH!"

I growled. "IDIOT! YOU WOULDN'T HAVE WOKEN UP IF I HADN'T KICKED YOU IN THE BALLS! YOU COULD SLEEP THROUGH A FUCKING MASSACRE THE WAY YOU SNORE!"

He growled. "DID I MENTION THAT I FIND IT REALLY SEXY WHEN A WOMAN YELLS AT A MAN?"

"WELL IT'S A GOOD THING I'M NOT YELLING AT A MAN THEN, YOU UNCLE FUCKER!"

"FUCK YOU, BITCH!"

"I'M NOT YOUR BITCH. YOU'RE _MY_ BITCH!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

I kicked him in the head for good measure.

"HEY! WHAT THE FU-"

"Alrighty then," I chirped. "Time to get ready for school. Everyone out!"

* * *

Since we went to a shitty public school there was no need for uniforms, so I just dressed in my usual ripped dark skinny jeans, anime graphic tee (it was Btooom! today), and black hoodie.

"Yomi!" I shouted from my room. "Time?"

"The person?"

"No, like clock!"

"Um...we have to leave in five minutes!"

I cursed and grabbed my backpack, shoving my stuff into it because racing the fuck to the stairs. I eyed the railing before shrugging and thinking _"Meh. YOLO."_ and sliding down it. The railing I mean.

"WHEEE! I'M FLYING BITCHES!"

"You don't succeed 'cause you hesitate. You think we're flyin', but we levitate. Just be yourself, don't ask us why. 'Cause if you don't, we'll make you cry!" Yomi shouted. "You can't be me, I'm a rock star! I'm rhymin' on the top of a cop car. I'm a rebel an' my forty-four pops far. It's almost over now, almost over now-! Hey is that a Btooom! shirt?"

I looked at my hastily thrown on, half-open jacket and smirked.

"You bet your ass it is!" Time shouted.

"As I close my eyes, _Nokosu ato mo naku kobosu oto mo naku iku ate mo naku._ I know that this is what I want, this is what I need, _Ima mo kurikaeshiteku zanzou!_" I shouted at the top of my lungs.

"_Kizutsuita kako no bokura wa! Ienai mama de!_" Yomi shouted back.

"_Sonna karamawari kawaranai hibi wa. Mou tozashite ikun da!_" Time called after us.

"So now, _Kore wa boku ga nozonda._ My Nevereverland!" we all shouted together.

Kisame, who happened to be walking past the stairs stared at me.

"Should I be worried?" he asked.

"No."

"O-kay."

"Well, Aka-bitches, we're off to school!" Yomi shouted.

"What _is_ school?" Sasori asked.

"School," Time said, "Is where we go every day for nine months of the year to be taught useless bullshit by people who sit in the front of a square room all day, sobbing, 'Kill me. Kill me please!' and hate their life."

"So why the fuck do you go?!" Hidan asked increduously.

"Because we have to," Yomi stated bluntly.

"It's agaisnt the law not to," I added.

"That's bullshit (un)!" Hidan and Deidara chorused

I stared at them and grinned. "Thank you! Exactly! It is complete and utter bullshit! Now to the backyard with you all."

"The backyard?" Deidara asked. "Why, un?"

I grinned at Yomi and Time. "You'll see."

And so we stood them all on the deck, lined up.

I gave Yomi very specific instructions.

"So why are we out here again?" Kakuzu drawled boredly.

"Because of this!" I said with a wild grin. "Hit it, Yomi!"

She turned on the hose and sprayed them all with ice-cold water.

There was a loud _"poof!"_ and ten piles of clothes on the ground, alond with ten very angry kitties.

Well, some of them were angry. Itachi was just giving us his "holier-than-thou" attitude, Tobi was being...well Tobi, and Konan and Pein didn't seem bothered by it at all.

Hidan, however, was very pissed. The silver cat stalked up to me and attempted to swipe at my leg.

I grabbed his paw. "Now none of that or I'll set you on fire. And we wouldn't want that, now would we SprickleJizz?"

The other cats let out _mrrows_ of amusement while the Hidan-kitty just glared at me with angry magenta eyes.

I smirked. "Consider it payback for this morning."

And with that, we carried our kitties inside, holding them tightly just in case they tried to escape.

Yomi held Konan, Pein, Zetsu, and Kakuzu in her arms, while Time and I glared at her.

Leave it to Yomi to pick up the easy ones.

So while Time was trying to wrangle Sasori, Itachi, and Hidan in her arms, I had my own problems trying to lift up Kisame, Tobi, and Deidara. Tobi was literally whizzing around my head in kitty-excitement, Deidara was sitting there and sulking, and apparently Kisame found out that he was madly in love with the floor boards because I couldn't. Pry him. Off.

I finally managed to yank the blue cat off of the ground and went over to Deidara and picked him up by the scruff of his neck.

"Do you have your hand-mouths in this form, too?" I asked. The blonde cat glared at me.

I rolled my eyes. "Oh come on, what do you want me to do? Strip and rename you 'Sexy'?"

He cat-smirked.

I looked at him in disgust and swung him upside down by the tail.

"Perverted cat...!"

He gave a wail of protest when Tobi crawled up his body to settle at my head.

When we finally had them all dropped inside, we grabbed our shit and got ready to get the hell out of dodge.

"Now be good kitties and be-fucking-have," I sang as we walked out the door and into Yomi's dark green Hummer H1.

* * *

You would think that Yomi, being tall and elegant and graceful, would have a car to match. But no, instead she has a Hummer, because it made her feel powerful.

... Though I have to admit, I would fucking love to drive a Hummer. Those things are badass.

The only thing about Yomi is that she drives like a _madwoman._ Like, once I get my licence, I am _never_ letting her drive again. _EVER._

And on top of that, she gets extreme road rage, so not only were we swerving and going a full twenty miles over the speed limit (not to mention almost hitting lightpoles, pedestrians, and almost anything that moved...or didn't move), she was also leaning halway out of her window and screaming at people to "grow some balls" and "speed the fuck up".

By the time we got to school, Time and I were gripping the handles on the ceiling for dear-white-knuckled-life.

Well, she _had_ gotten us there in record time.

...And in hindsight, she _had_ warned us to, and I quote (more like paraphrase), "Buckle our seatbelts; it was gonna be a bumpy ride."

I practically _flew_ out of that fucking car and collapsed on the asphault, Yomi right behind me.

"Ground," I breathed. "Sweet, sweet ground!"

"Fuuuuuuuck," Time groaned. "I just wanna lay here for a while..."

As if on cue, the bell rang.

"God dammit."

Yomi hopped out of the car, grinning like the madwoman we knew she was.

"So," she said. "How was my driving?"

* * *

**"I'm bored!"** Hidan complained.

**"So am I," **Kisame muttered dejectedly.

**"Hn," **was all Itachi said, before heading upstairs.

Balck ears pricked when he picked up the sound of running water from the bathroom.

He padded forward carefully, turning the corner to see Tobi sitting on the edge of the sink and turning the tap with his paws.

"Tobi," he asked. "What are you doing?"

"I will not stay in this form all day just because it is the will of a few _girls_," came Madara's (well, actually Obito's, but for Itachi's sake "Madara's") voice.

"What do you mean, Madara?" Itachi asked carefully. He knew he was treading on eggshells.

"Well, we can't exactly figure out a way to get out of here as _little kitties_, now can we Itachi-kun?" Madara (*cough* Obito *cough*) asked with menacing amusement.

"We must earn their trust, and deliberately disobeying them will not get us it."

"Who said I need their trust?" And then in his Tobi voice: "Tobi is sorry! Tobi was exploring and slipped on the counter! Tobi fell in the sink and accidentally splashed water on the others! Tobi's sorry! Tobi is a good boy!"

Itachi narrowed his now red eyes at the orange-faced cat.

"I would be careful Madara," he warned icily. "Who knows how much these girls know."

Madara laughed harshly. "Obviously not that much, or they woul have killed me when I was a defenseless cat. And even if they do know, I can easily make sure that they don't."

The cat grinned menacingly, sharingan whirring. "I can make sure that they don't know anything anymore."

Itachi growled at the intent behind his words. "Don't touch them."

"Oh, I wouldn't have to touch them Itachi-kun."

"Don't you dare hurt them."

And with that, the black cat stalked out of the room.

"Itachi-san is so mean! OW! OW! HOT! HOT!" And then Tobi was running around naked, screaming.

Konan stared and slapped her hands over her eyes.

Eight more loud poofs were heard, along with Hidan laughing manically.

"Should we put on clothes?" Zetsu asked. "**No.** Yes, it's modest. **Hmph. I still say no.**"

"Fuck that shit!" Hidan cried. "Konan's still in the living room and the other three are at school, so I don't fucking have to!"

"Hidan," Pein said.

"...Yes, Leader-sama?"

"Put on some pants."

The Jashinists face fell, before muttering, "Yes, Leader-sama..."

"Thank god, yeah," Deidara muttered.

"What did you say, bitch?!"

The sound of a now human Konan knocking on the door resonated through the bathroom.

"When you come out you better be clothed of else I swear to God, I'll castrate you with a rubber band!"

The nine men paled and gulped, all looking at their crotches in fear, and wondering how that was possible.

Oh believe her, it was.

* * *

"Now," my boring-ass chemistry teacher drawled. "Watch as I place the metal into this jar of _pure oxygen _and when I'm done burning it, watch what happens."

Cue the "ooh's" and "aah's" that never came.

"Fire," I whispered with a mad grin.

I wtached as the great scientist slowly move the smoldering metal forward, until...

_CLUNK!_

"Oops! I dropped! Quick somebody get me the tweezers! And- OH DEAR GOD, MY LAB COAT IS ON FIRE!"

I stared at him as he tried to quench the flames quickly charring the white coat.

"Why is he allowed to be near flamable objects again? This is the fifth time this week."

Time and Yomi snickered.

Yes, bitches, Yomi was in my grade. She would have been in tenth grade, just missed it by a moth and a half.

"Now," Sir Chemisty said once the situation was well contained (and by that, I mean his coat was still lying on the linoleum, half-smoldering.) "On to magnesium. Don't watch too closely as it gives off a bright light while burning."

"Oh, cool," I said sarcastically. "I'm totally going to look at it now."

My friends slapped their hands over my eyes. "KATSUMI, NO!"

I felt the stares of the others as they turned to look at us.

"Heh heh, woops," Yomi said sheepishly.

"You're an idiot," I stated bluntly.

The bell rang, thankfully relieving us from any more torcher that shit teacher could deal out.

"Lunch time!" We sang, standing up to go to our lockers.

Exactly ten minutes later, we were sitting at our lunch table outside with Pat, who had the same lunch period as us (yay!), and Alec, who, being nineteen, was taking his _college_ lunch _break_ (lucky ass) off, as per usual, to spend with us.

"Hello," I said cheerily.

"Yo," Alec called back over a bite of his sandwich.

"KAT-CHAN! IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!"

"Jesus Pat!" I choked, trying to escape his humongous hug of doom. "It's only been a day and a half since we last saw each other!"

"Alas, the days turned into years!"

"Day," I corrected.

"Patrick get off of her, you raging homosexual," Alec instructed, then added: "The only one you're allowed to rape is me."

"Oh my gawd you are so sexy!"

They then proceeded to eat each others faces off. Which I didn't see because Yomi and Time took it upon themselves to slap their hands over my eyes.

"THERE ARE CHILDREN WATCHING, YOU PERVERTS!" they cried.

"What the fuck?! Get your hands off of me!" I shouted.

"Would you prefer the hand?" Yomi asked, "Or this?"

She took her hand off my eyes.

I gagged.

"THE HAND! THE HAND!"

Time patted my head. "We thought so. Now then... STOP EATING EACH OTHERS FACES OFF! YOU CAN HAVE SEX AT HOME!"

I choked on air.

Oh God.

Well, at least things couldn't be worse at home.

* * *

_**Meanwhile, at home...**_

"TOBI, PUT THAT DOWN!"

"But Tobi likes the shiny knife!"'

"TOBI! PUT. DOWN. THE BUTCHER KNIFE. RIGHT. NOW. UN."

"OKAY! KYAH~"

"MY TESTICLES!"

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"HIDAN!"

"...PUT YOUR FUCKING PANTS BACK ON!"

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

* * *

**A/N: 2:10 AM. Let's hope I don't get caught and get my ass shipped to the far plane. Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes. I'm tired even if I am a bit insomniac and spell check was being an ass.**

**Loved it? Hated it? Review if you want.**

**Love you all~**

**~ KAi**


End file.
